Words that I knew were nothing but empty air. I could feel the pangs of that emptiness as I anticipated what would be my greatest battle. After I lost my husband I knew that when the dust settled for everyone else, I would be here all alone, without distraction, to feel everything in it’s fullness. All alone in my tiny apartment where I sit now. Trying to fight away the pain but eventually it overtakes me. Countless people would try to comfort me with their false words. I would ask, “What the HELL am I going to do when this is all over for the rest of you? After the funeral. After you have had time to grieve. Eventually everyone will return to their daily lives. And I will be absolutely, completely, fucking alone.” Their response was always the same. “Oh but honey, you’re never alone! We’re all here for you!” We’re all here for you. What the fuck does that even mean? You care about me, yes. I get that. Where are you though, exactly? Here for me in your heart, your mind? I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but that is not the same and it doesn’t really help. I am strong all god damned day for my kids, for my job, for my sanity. I get the kids to bed. And there it is. The stabbing pain of loneliness. Sadness. I reach out to those who say they’re here for me. They’re busy. They’re sleeping. Anyone wanna keep me company? Of course not. They’re all living their lives, I get it. Anyone wanna text till I fall asleep? No, people have to get up early. People are out having a good time. And I’m wandering around like a lost puppy with tears flooding out of my soul as I desperately grasp for some sort of relief. A break. A moment of peace. I would even settle for numbness. You’re here for me, I’m never alone. Right.
I feel cried out. I try and get some sleep. But I just lay there. My husband isn’t next to me. I cry some more. I try to push my thoughts to a happy place. It hurts to think about him. I feel more alone than ever.
I wake up to a new day, alone. All my battles are fought from within. I face this world alone. ME. All ME.
I hate empty words. Save your breath.