I KNOW WHAT HELL FEELS LIKE

I’ve been an achiever my whole life, always on top. I graduated as a Valedictorian for my primary and secondary years. In college, I graduated as a Magna Cum Laude. Everyone thinks I’ve got everything. Beauty and brains. People admire me. They want to be near me and make friends with me. But they have no idea what I’ve been through during my elementary and high school years. No one knows I was bullied. As a victim of bullying for many years, I know first hand how it feels to be completely alone.

I had this classmate back in primary school, a girl with deformities. She walked differently and she would always cover her one hand with a handkerchief since her fingers were also deformed. Aside from that, she’s pretty normal. I couldn’t remember when and how it started. She would always ask me to do something for her. I was an introvert and will always be. Back then, I didn’t want to have any sort of conflicts with other people. I would always do what she wanted me to do because if I resisted, she’d get mad at me and I didn’t want that to happen. Years passed and our relationship didn’t change. She’s the queen and I was the servant. I don’t want to sound mean but if you know that you have some physical deformities, isn’t it the best reason for you to at least be nice to other people instead of being mean? That makes you uglier. I remember the day we were electing for officials for the entire primary students. Since I was the top 1 in class my teachers asked me to run for president which was forced, so I had no other option but to accept it. I didn’t even have a hard time looking for my other officials since a lot of them had volunteered to be part of my party. Suddenly this mean girl wanted to be part of my group but all slots were taken already. So I told her that I couldn’t have her in my group. One look and I knew she was so mad.

What happened next was so unbelievable. Her mother (who I forgot to mention that she’s an employee of our school) cam rushing to our room and was shouting to me. She cursed me and even told me why I didn’t want her daughter to be a part of my group. I was closed to tears. How could a mere 12 year old girl fight with an older woman? I was shaking. I just bowed down my head ’til she left. Everyone was so silent. Everyone was so afraid of her. But I was the most unlucky because she hated me the most. By the age of 12 years old, I knew already what I wanted in life. I wanted to leave the school and transfer to a new one. But it was too impossible. Of course I wouldn’t want my parents to know what was happening in school. You know the teenager rule. No parents allowed in schools.

My goal then was to graduate in high school and transfer immediately. I had been praying for it everyday of my life. Lord, make the days pass by quickly. I don’t want to be here anymore. 🙁 I thought she’d change when we reached high school. It got worse. She would always torture me, acting she’s mad at me. Then I would get scared and cried all the time. I didn’t want my classmates to know that I was crying so I would hide in my chair and she would get her mirror and watched me from there. God, she was so mean. Sometimes she would asked me if I have studied for the examination and I would lie because if I’d say yes, she would get mad since she didn’t study for the exam. I just wanted to die. Everything I did, even if it was not related to her, she would get mad. One time she even asked me to tie her shoelaces in front of a crowd. I was so ashamed. When her shoes wouldn’t fit, she asked me to pull off my shoes so she could wear it and I was left wearing her shoes which were so tight.

The torture never ended. I felt I was born to impress her. That my existence was because of her existence. When I graduated in high school, words were not enough to describe the relief I was feeling. During the ceremony, when we sang our graduation song, I was crying, not because we were in the new chapter of our lives, but because I was so happy. I was so happy that I could now escape from this hell.

I started college, still an achiever but no one was torturing me anymore. In fact, I was well loved. My classmates complimented me a lot. And I found new friends whom I shared the same interests. I learned to forget everyone in my previous school. The torture, the pain, the hurt. I buried it. I don’t even want to think about it. So you see, people thought I’ve got everything, but all I wanted was to take their place. I never saw her again and I do not want to see her. It isn’t nice to put someone else down to make yourself feel better. Since then, I always tell myself “When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you, but in the end you end up polished and they end up useless.” 🙂

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