in your face

So I have been saying to myself that I am so done with people who have their own flaws giving advice to me on how to improve myself.  I know what I’ve got to do, which is nowhere near easy by the way.  I guess it is just bothering me since I feel like I’ve been barraged with unsolicited insight into my life and being.  i feel like the only one who needs to be in my psyche is me…. that being said, I am also an open book, nothing to hide.  The fourth was Brandons’ birthday.  I felt his presence that is for sure.  I felt it as my mom and I argued, I felt it as everything crumbled Monday.  It was a bad weekend and a bad Monday.  I don’t know if I will ever stop associating bad things that happen with my brother, deep down I know he wasn’t a BAD person.  He was not the ‘monster’ he very successfully portrayed.  Instead he was a drug addict.  Those drugs ate away his mind and inhibitions.  It doesn’t change the way I feel about him right now though.  Even though I have logically approached what happened, I’m just not there emotionally yet.  I still feel embarassment, rage, and even jealousy.  I think the jealousy is what I have the hardest time with.  My parents are brainwashed into thinking I had a good childhood.  Truth is, they made sure Brandon had a good childhood.  He required so much there was just nothing left for me.  He robbed me of opportunities.  While my parents paid him so much attention i was left behind to be molested, not just once but twice.  It took my self esteem, my worth, my building blocks.  I just recently told mom about my abuse.  She knew I had been raped at 19 and tried to kill myself after.  We do not talk about that.  When I told her she did make a good point- how could she have helped me if she never knew?  Very true-  I just felt like, and still feel like she doesn’t believe me.  She never does.  And she will never talk about it again.  She will never know how broken I had become.  I am really amazed at the person I became and very proud of myself.  I have flaws I know.  I also know how to fix them.  This is why when people offer unsolicited advice I cringe.  They do not know what I overcame.  They do not know i battle everyday just to want to get out of bed.  I am a great person with a pure relationship with GOD.  I don’t need some hippocrites to tell me I’m not happy. (And by the way-  I know there are people out there who will read this and say one of two things- there are kids all over the world who had it way worse than me, and that is VERY true, my parents did make sure i was well fed, clothed, kept on me about my grades ect.; they are good people, just had a rough go.

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