So I have been saying to myself that I am so done with people who have their own flaws giving advice to me on how to improve myself. I know what I’ve got to do, which is nowhere near easy by the way. I guess it is just bothering me since I feel like I’ve been barraged with unsolicited insight into my life and being. i feel like the only one who needs to be in my psyche is me…. that being said, I am also an open book, nothing to hide. The fourth was Brandons’ birthday. I felt his presence that is for sure. I felt it as my mom and I argued, I felt it as everything crumbled Monday. It was a bad weekend and a bad Monday. I don’t know if I will ever stop associating bad things that happen with my brother, deep down I know he wasn’t a BAD person. He was not the ‘monster’ he very successfully portrayed. Instead he was a drug addict. Those drugs ate away his mind and inhibitions. It doesn’t change the way I feel about him right now though. Even though I have logically approached what happened, I’m just not there emotionally yet. I still feel embarassment, rage, and even jealousy. I think the jealousy is what I have the hardest time with. My parents are brainwashed into thinking I had a good childhood. Truth is, they made sure Brandon had a good childhood. He required so much there was just nothing left for me. He robbed me of opportunities. While my parents paid him so much attention i was left behind to be molested, not just once but twice. It took my self esteem, my worth, my building blocks. I just recently told mom about my abuse. She knew I had been raped at 19 and tried to kill myself after. We do not talk about that. When I told her she did make a good point- how could she have helped me if she never knew? Very true- I just felt like, and still feel like she doesn’t believe me. She never does. And she will never talk about it again. She will never know how broken I had become. I am really amazed at the person I became and very proud of myself. I have flaws I know. I also know how to fix them. This is why when people offer unsolicited advice I cringe. They do not know what I overcame. They do not know i battle everyday just to want to get out of bed. I am a great person with a pure relationship with GOD. I don’t need some hippocrites to tell me I’m not happy. (And by the way- I know there are people out there who will read this and say one of two things- there are kids all over the world who had it way worse than me, and that is VERY true, my parents did make sure i was well fed, clothed, kept on me about my grades ect.; they are good people, just had a rough go.
in your face
