numb

Have you ever felt like happiness is not for you. To look at your friends in loving relationships n you look at yourself n see nothing. To be afraid of happiness? That’s me. I love him but immscared of him of the love I have for him. He was my knight in shining armor that was cracked n rusted.

I’m numb. I don’t feel. My smiles feel forced. My eyes don’t shine. My skin is bleh n my heart is dead.

The one thing that made me smile was thinking I might see him for first time but now that’s gone too. Is that a good thing or bad? Was it going to result in my heart being hurt again. So many fears running through me n no one understands. I’m trapped in this nightmare of my own head . ppl wonder why I tried to end it..BC I’m sick of life. The pain the failure I call myself. I feel like this empty shell that will never get her ever after. Ppl wonder why I still want it to end BC I’m just a waste n no one sees it but me.

Running is me. Because it saves me in the end.I can’t hurt if I don’t allow myself to be hurt. I battle non stop to want to have faith but I can’t.

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