Once upon a time

Once upon a time, I believed in fairy tales. I would watch every romantic movie and read every romantic book and I would disappear from this world into one of happy endings. It gave me hope that maybe someone like me, who was broken and battered would have a fairy tale ending….Through the long line of men that used me I never gave up that hope. Through four almost 5 years of torture by the hands of my husband( the only man that up until a few days ago, NEVER walked away from me never gave up hope for us)  I slowly broke down. I once was a beautiful woman, who thrived. Now I am just here. I started to lose my mind. I was diagnosed bipolar, I went thru multiple miscarriages, Jocelyn and Layla still affect me they were the hardest.

When I was at my weakest moment, He came along. For the first time in my entire life, I met my equal. I didnt want to hide anything, I wanted him to know every inch of my heart, my soul, my past my dreams my hurt. I told him things I never told before, I bared it all for him. I was crushed when I found out he was like the rest but STILL I couldnt let go of him. He was my fairy tale . He was my hope. I hurt I was curshed but I loved him unconditionally.I couldnt change that. The way he looked at me, danced with me, touched me, kissed me, made love to me. It was the most amazing feeling. I honestly felt.

Its like this have you ever met the one person you feel is just like you. music, food, drinks(minus red bull lol), the way we dance, how we play around, sex  everything. he was my equal. he is still my equal. The night he asked me to marry him, was beyond anything I ever dreamed of. MY fairy tale was coming true. I found the dress I always dreamed of, we had our wedding planned to the T. Than in a flash it went away. I gave up. No one knows that but I gave up, even after he came back into my life I couldnt find the faith to honestly try again I was damaged.

Now its months later, and I still remember the time we had, my heart still races thinking of anything involving him but I dont believe in fairy tales. I dont believe in the perfect ending. I believe like in every fairy tale, you have the princess who is going to be saved by the prince and than you have the evil witch….thats who I am. And I know why, because their fairy tale died. In the end, the evil witch dies…kind of funny how that works out. Maybe she turns evil because of how her fairy tale ended.

(oh god sweet lady just started playing) sigh….my dream….hed show up and never let me go. He doesnt fight for me though, he walks away no issues. No fight. he didnt slay the dragon he let me walk back into the grasp of the dragon. (now listening to our song Almost lose it :,( sigh) After this divorce is over, I dont think I will end up happy. Ill just be alone which is how the evil witch is supposed to be, alone, hurting and dead inside. (only difference I believe in other people finding love, i believe he can find love again if I am gone gone)

Signing off….

 

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