My mind is racing, spinning, destroying me. I love him beyond any amount of words. I made the mistake I let him leave, i hurt him and I let it happen. It was my choice. I was stable when that happened. Now I am a broken shell of a woman that once existed, who has given up on living. Who doesnt believe in happiness and it works for me because this is who I am. I reached out and I shouldnt have. He is doing well. Working, school, gym, standing on his own two feet and doing well. Than I just had to come back and what screw it all up for him. I am not good for him. It doesnt matter if my heart feels to much for him, my brain is right, hes better off without me.
I know he loves me but I do have distrust. Not fully his fault. He may have always been a liar but I make it hard to tell the truth to, to be faithful to. Look at me, I am 5’6″ barley weighing in at 100lbs, I am bipolar manic depressive with high insecurites. I have health problems to affect my everyday life and this isnt fair to anyone to have to be with me.
He is amazing, such a loving heart. Hes tall hes dark and handsome, hes an amazing lover and friend. Hes loyal and affectionate. He is brilliant beyond the means of most men, hes romantic(well wasnt with me really), he has a plan for his life. I would be in the way. Me and my kids are just baggage. My kids deserve a mother that isnt bat shit nuts, who somedays doesnt want to be a mother.
I have always battled between what my heart says and what my head says. I have been called a gold digger(i dont care about money it makes the world go around but having a big fancy house is stupid, super nice things are dumb) I just want peace. Peace in my heart and my head and that is not possible. Not with who I am. If my heart is happy my head suffers. If my head is happy my heart is breaking.
I cant do this to him again. I cant. He was supposed to come out here to help a friend. I smiled, really smiled for the first time in awhile. I found a reason to smile and it was him. being in his arms, the world disappearing but than he turns around(like usual) and crushes that because of things at home. Now I wont see him. and Now i am back to being hollow. No one understands how much I really need to be in that spot with him. his embrace straightens my world, but what for for him to go back to NY and return to life. and ill be alone hurting again. right where I belong. I guess its good hes not coming, means I cant get my hopes up for a happy ending.
I cant do this, living. living this life I have lived for 27 years of my life. All I know is pain and destruction. I am …….done. God help me, I cant lose him but I have to. I cant let him really think theres a chance ill ever be okay because I dont think I will be.