Today was one of the laziest day I had in along time. I typically feel guilty for being as lazy as I was today, but not today, it was my goal. I enjoyed the relaxation quite much. Despite in the mist of my laziness and relaxation I had quite a bit of too much time for allowing my thoughts to pounder today. Just last week I started implementing change into my life. For a about 2 years now, I began to let myself go. Just not caring about my health, eating what I please, no exercise what so ever, smoking like a train, and drinking on almost everyday of the week. In the mist of slacking off on myself, I also allowed to let go of my relation ship God, started getting into relationships that I knew had no potential, and lost sense of the direction my life was going. I cant say I knew exactly where I was heading in life, but I at least had a idea of it with goals in mind. now its like im starting all over from scratch, which may not be a bad thing, its just challenging trying to figure out how to put all these pieces back in order at the same time.
My two main goals that I feel are most important for me to start ordering out is my health and rebuilding my relationship with God. I had both going on for me at one point. I would work out and eat rite daily, I maintained my goal weight for two years after shredding off 100 pounds. My confidence from loosing all that weight and feeling healthy was indescribable, but slowly I allowed work stress and relationship drama to take over my mind and I put my health on the side and gained 60 of those pounds back. I know exactly what to do and how to eat to get back to where I was comfortable in my skin, its just putting those things into action and actually sticking to it now. My relationship with God though, is a topic that’s allot harder for me to talk about, at one point I was a spiritual flower, blooming and radiating with the beauty of Gods presence in my life, and that too I put aside to follow my own selfish desires. Ive learned many lessons from this off season ive been lingering in. The most important thing I have learned is that I can not give up on God again, with out faith in him im nothing. His presence is all around me and im incapable of sensing it rite now. But with that too I know what I must do, its just putting it into action. It has to start with controlling my thoughts, something at one point in time I had great control over thanks to practice and patience. By allowing my thoughts to pounder I opened a gateway to the negative in my life, we all know the dangers of allowing our thoughts and desires to control our realities. Its no ones fault but mine, I know I can ignore an irrational desire but when I choose to entertain it, ive just set my self up for disaster.
Today my mind has been lingering on my ex boyfriend. My thoughts keep reminding me of all the great times we had and mostly how nice of a feeling it was to have him to go home too and share all my feelings with. Those are the thoughts that start inducing sadness, leaving me loaning for that sense of comfort I had in him. He was horrible a boyfriend but a great friend. We both had the same crazy life goal of traveling the world one day. Which I could have seen myself being able to do that with him. We both had the same taste in healthy cuisine, we were master chiefs in the kitchen together. Our conversations were intelligent, something that I don’t have often enough with other individuals. But he didn’t love me, he was still in love an Ex from over a year ago. I knowingly knew this, because we would talk about it often, and though it really hurt to hear how much he still cared about her rather than hearing much he cared about what was rite in front of him, I was just happy that he could confine that in me, rather than not let me know at all. Normally I would never ever ever what so ever get involved with a guy whose not over another girl, I know the drama of this type of situation and they almost always end up badly. But I stayed anyways hoping he would open his eyes to who was rite there in front of him and fall in love with me and forget about her. But another valuable lesson learned, It doesn’t work like that, no matter how charming and lovable you think you may be. But it wasn’t even his whole ex problem thing that killed it for me, I didn’t trust him. He had me hold his phone one day, and it went off and lit up with a notification from a dating site. I didn’t know it was a dating site until I asked him about it, and he said it was something old. so I believed him and carried on. Then the same situation occurred again when he had me hold his phone except this time I had found the app on his phone for the dating and went through it, Im not typically the crazy girl who digs through her boyfriends phone, but I couldn’t help myself. What I found broke my heart, messaging tons of girls, using the same line on everyone of them, and mostly talking to these girls at times when I was snuggled up next to him on the couch. Like was I that boring and uninteresting. So I confronted him about that too, he said hes just a guy and it makes him feel good to talk to them. and then that time too I still stayed, just this time with no trust for him and always super suspicious. Even when we were out with friends and in public he would flirt with other women in front of my face, and I told myself he just has a flirty nature its harmless. But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore, he didn’t love me and was never going to , he was always on the prowl for something better the whole time. but what I couldn’t understand is why he held on to me. I told him if I wasn’t interesting enough for him it was fine just let me know so I can move on and know that this was something that couldn’t be worked out. And he didn’t want to let me go. But gosh I was such a fool for allowing my self to go through this experience. I know for a fact that you can love someone and be devoted to only them. He just had way further issues I was never going to be able work out with him. But I do applaud myself for acutally trying this time, normally im so quick to give up. The guy I dated prior to him still lived with his baby moma and im sure every body with a full functioning brain can imagine how horrible that one ended.
I jut don’t know what happened to me. Why did I allow myself to get so fully heartedly involved in such scandaless relationships. I had such a strong mindset, I knew exactly what I wanted and would not allow my self to settle for less. Then I suppose I let my loneliness overcome me and I began to settle. But nope, not again, time to get back on track alone or not. I have to change and its going to have to be alone. I have a whole lot of things to work on mentally before I can be back to myself again. I know thoughts like this about my ex’s and my failures are going to continue to pop in my mind, But im ready to face them and not let them own my feelings anymore. I’m ready to start this journey. I’m hopeful of a beautiful outcome, I can just feel it 🙂