closer to freedom

Today flew by for me. Which I claim to be a wonderful thing for a Monday. The busyness of my day helped me to stay mentally fresh. Every time I would catch my imagination lingering on a thought of anger or remorse, I was quick to stop myself from pondering upon it. It was mostly thoughts of my ex. Im trying to forgive him in my heart. I don’t want to hold anger towards him, or anyone for that matter. Because ultimately im the one who allowed myself to undertake the pain I experienced with him. Im slowly but surely finding myself again. Its a wonderful feeling especially after feeling like you haven’t really known yourself in years. Im actually excited about the days ahead me for me once, I go to sleep ready to see what I can achieve in the day to come. Granted this slow rise in my spirit is bringing thoughts of loneliness too me. But im at the point that I just don’t care about being alone. Im sort of loaning for it. Ive always been so critical of my self and how I appear to those around me, but life is teaching me exactly how foolish and unrewarding that is.  I prayed today for the first time in while. It was hard at first to let my walls down to open up my heart to the Lord, but eventually it came pouring out. The heart I once had for people had vanished. My greatest passion was people its self. That’s what I wanted my days and life to revolve around, loving, learning from, teaching, and just sharing life with others. I grew selfish, just so selfish. Those around me who were there for me I began to think they owed me more because of all the effort and attention I was putting into them. How selfish of me. I always prayed that live a day full of unselfish love, and I really thought I did. But no, not even close do I believe I have lived that out. And really when do any of us truly show unselfish love. Not expecting a single thing in return, not even there to hold on to that warm feeling that you did something good for someone other than your self. I cant speak for everyone, but I know the love our mere human hearts contain is faulty non the lease. And its okay if we were meant to love perfectly the world be a peaceful and stable. It just blows my mind that God, the only being who loves perfectly, loves all of us in our imperfections.

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