August 20 – Food

Last night, I biked 9 kms to work and ran 5 kms for lunch and biked another 9 kms back to the apartment. I felt victorious and in control, but throughout the day, I was already planning my evening binge episode. By the time I reached the apartment, I rallied towards the fridge and ate whatever I could eat. After, I went to the grocery store and paraded by the bulk section and ate what I could. I think the loss and recovery people were following me, so I hid the remainder of the m&ms that I had on my grocery basket. I went back to the apartment and binged some more and after, I purged what I could. I felt so defeated, since I knew that I didn’t get to purge everything that I consumed, so my work out  was absolutely pointless.

This vicious cycle has been ongoing for 9 years now, and this season has been one of my worst. I don’t know how I let myself loose, and I don’t know how to get myself back in order either. I feel like I’m in a trance, floating from one thought to the other, trying to find the next activity to keep me occupied and sane.

I’ve gained 12 lbs  (maybe more) over the past 4 months and I loath my body, and my face is swollen and puffed because of my un ending purging habit. Each time I stare at the ivory sink, I start feeling the guilt and shame of being a food whore. But I can’t stop…

Today, I pray to God to help me overcome this until tomorrow comes again.

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