Conflicted// Amnesia.

Conflicted// Amnesia.

This is the story of how I slowly went insane.

 

At first, I didn’t even remember Dylan.

All memories I had ever made with him had disappeared and if some had managed to  escape from the big erasure, they had changed. Dylan was never in the picture. It was Him who had magically switched places with him, or so I remembered.

That’s why I didn’t feel anything at first, no loss or sorrow, no guilt or even sadness.

That came later.

For now I had just been enjoying His company and trusted Him as if He was a part of me. While my trust was actually based on His lies and illusions to cover up what a terrible person not only He was but also I.

Because one day it came back to me. And it was more horrifying than one can imagine. It was so vivid, as if I had been thrown back in time to relive it all.

It was nighttime and I stood in my room. I had been crying and laid curled up on my bed. I was freezing although it was one of the hottest nights to endure. I had been crying over Him. Slowly and surely I was so pulled to Him and I fell for all His stupid tricks. He played me constantly and I feared that but I feared something else way more. My feelings.

I had been falling for Him.

How could I not? He was irresistible and despite inviting me to all the wrong things, He showed me around to something new. Not every thing, every thought, every movement and action He let happen was meant to harm me, was meant bad. He offered me great times that I’d never want to lose for any possible thing. And even if it is all part of His deceive, I was too blind to see that and fell hard for Him.

I’d reference to the sun. That beautiful, bright sun. It hurts when you look at it, you know it does but there’s always this temptation to give in and gaze at it’s beauty no matter what the consequences consist of. He was that to me.

Beautiful danger.

I couldn’t tell Dylan, I knew I couldn’t. He’d be hurt and disappointed. I hate it when he’s disappointed.

But that night everything took such a turn. Dylan somehow became the bad guy to me. He yelled at me when he found out, he smashed things apart and went crazy and I just picked up a knife I used to cut myself with and stabbed him. I kept stabbing him, putting all my rage out there. It was only a matter of time before he was dead.

And I only retrieved the memory by the blood spatter on the top of the staircase I dragged him down from.

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