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And I’m completely in love with him. His eyes. His smile. His laugh. Every last detail about him. Every last part of me craves to lie next to him and just feel him. Physically and emotionally. I didn’t think it was humanely possible to adore someone as I adore him. From thousands of miles away, he makes me blush. He makes me laugh through tears and to tears. As cliché and ridiculous as it sounds, no one does understand. So we haven’t met in person? Shit happens. Doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there. I want him. I need him. I know the feelings are reciprocated as well. I’m dumb and I’m stupid, but I can’t see my future without him. The little things he says and remembers, they get to me. I’ve never been treated like that before and I don’t understand what I have done in life to become so lucky. The moment I meet him, I may just faint. I could kiss him a thousand times over. I’d do anything for him just to hold my hand for a moment. Fuck school and money and FAFSA for ruining all of it. I’m supposed to be four floors above him. In my dorm room, both of us states away from home, and totally crazy about one another. Instead, I’m at home, at 2 am, blogging my life away to a few strangers that don’t care and he’s sleeping in a hotel room 7 hours away from me getting ready to move in to a dorm that should be four floors away from me. I am so frustrated that such a small issue-money- has caused so many problems. I don’t understand why we, or anyone, should have to PAY to get an education. And to pay the copious amount of money required is insane. Why should I have to pay to better myself and my future? And to all the people out there saying “just get a job,” “you don’t really need college,” “just take a loan,” it’s not that simple. I have a job. I make money. I make minimum wage. You DO need college. I don’t plan to work at a pizza place for the rest of my life. Take a loan? Oh how could I have been so stupid?! Of course! Free money! It’s that simple! I wish it were. But instead, I can’t get a loan because I’m fresh out of high school with no credit. Cosigner? No problem, except my parents just bought a house and haven’t exactly been financially responsible the past few years so that cuts that out. Realizing the adult world sucks, well, it sucks. It’s really hard going through all of this when a few months ago I had to ask a teacher to go to the bathroom. The world is a cruel, fucked up place and the worst part is, we’ve done it to ourselves. There’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. Except fucking fix it. It boggles my mind how rude people can be. When someone says “Have a nice day!” Fucking reply with “thanks, you too!” I don’t think that’s a difficult concept to grasp. Don’t fucking judge anyone. Wow, they’re skinny? Cool. They’re overweight and covered in stretch marks? Good for them. Don’t judge on appearance. I don’t care if you want to wear a crop top and a tutu with fuzzy leggings and flats to the beach. If that’s what you want, do it. Don’t tell people they can’t or they shouldn’t. Don’t discourage someone. Don’t second guess them. If it’s what they want to do, support them. It doesn’t affect you, and if it does, how are you going to know if it’s for the better unless it happens? The world is a very frustrating place yet I know there are people out there like me, that know there is good in the world. I am a strong believer in the sense that everything DOES happen for a reason. I like to think that in the end, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. But, it is up to you how you look at things. I’m taking this semester off, not by choice, but by money. I’m waiting to meet a boy I am crazy about because of it. I’m losing an experience of a lifetime and you know what? It fucking sucks. But you know what? I can sure as hell guarantee you it won’t happen again. I’ll go to school next semester and meet him and meet new people and learn and educate myself and get a degree and a wonderful job and help people and get a house, a husband, a puppy, a kid, maybe two kids, a new car, a new job, a new house, a grand child, a cat. And I’ll look back at this day and realize, It. Doesn’t. Matter. It’s a insignificant thing. So I have to wait? Oh well. I’ll be more prepared this time. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be down there. Maybe my family will need me. In the long run, it really won’t matter. Yeah, it sucks now and yeah I am selfish about the whole ordeal. But I’m positive about it all as well. Let me get cliché here again and say just fucking smile and go with it. If you want something, fight. If you don’t, forget about it. Life’s all about you. Be selfish. Spend money. Fuck up. But do it for you and only you. After all, the only person that’s there for you from birth to death, is yourself.

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