painful love

ont know if I just want to feel sorry for myself all the time or do I like wallowing in pain? Ive been in pain most of life and its like do I like pain or am I just struggling to be happy? Aw yes that ugly depression that likes to creep in my soul all the time.Is it that I want to feel depressed?  Or have people feel sorry for me? But In truth i always feel like loving me for anybody is just to mother no father no friend’s no bf.just me.The only person Ive ever felt safe with was my ex who now is totally in love with someone else, even to the point of marrying her.But we were together 15 years.I even played side chick to her for 2 years.Through all that we produced another child, his first son named fully after him.The only love I ever had now its lost.I think im actually moving on tho.I cried for like 2weeks down to my soul till I literally couldnt cry no more.Im trying to tell myself daily ill b ok. I just look at my son and daughter n just hope he will stay prevalent in their lives.Not just go away with her n their child n leave mine behind.This situation is probably the hardest ive ever been thru.My life has always been a mess anyway.I just want some love by somebody.Maybe a new beau? I just want to feel safe and secure again.The only love ive ever experienced was painful love.Deceitful love.Cheating love.Cring love.hateful love.burning love.selfish love.just plain old fkd up love.miserable love.than no love at all.

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