things have to change

It feels like the sealing is falling, breathing is getting hard, everything goes so slow but my thoughts, they are running.

I am wasting my time right now, I should be productive.

Instead of doing something I am writing this because I am absolutely useless. I am trying to be creative, smart, learn, move, smile but this is not working out. My mood is not even swinging anymore. I am just stuck at one level, a very dark negative level.

There is this heavy weight inside my head that is squishing my brains together which is keeping me from function properly.  I think it might be my lack of sleeping. Speaking of sleeping, I barely do it! Hah, my night consists of trying to fall asleep, stressing out because I cant sleep, stressing out because of life, falling half asleep, wanting to pee annd .. the cycle repeats itself.

I am failing to function like a normal human being. I cannot take care of myself because I stopped caring. This needs to stop! I need to get out. I need to do something about this because otherwise I will die. The thing is, I am too scared to live but dying is also kinda scary. Thats messed up.. What a way to exist, this is fun!    I really need to get up. Today was not as bad, just a little bit tiring. Here are some of my goals, I have to do these things because I cannot continue living like this. Things really got to change.

– Eat enough (3 full beautiful meals, no skipping, I NEED FOOD)

– Go to bed earlier and get into the routine, after 10 its okay to rest and not to work.

– Take more relaxing baths god damn it, baths are great need to enjoy them more.

– DRAW DRAW DRAW even if I suck at it, draw a face with stupid eyes and an ugly face, I need to draw more.

 

yay

 

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