How can I not be broken at watching myself spill the lies to him and fake the smile that’s supposed to cover it all?
If I go and try
to fix this all
I’ll only come out a failure.
Why is it so hard to not be able to tell
whether what I feel is wrong or not?
And if I think it is truly not meant to be, if my feelings betray me and are just a burden to my deeds
if I give up.
Then I am in need of giving up on him
because everything I told him, about the both of us not being a “we”.
would be a total lie I’d have to free myself from.
All the thoughts we shared, the talks we had, the laughs that never ended, the smiles that weren’t faked.
I wish they’d outweigh my feelings for you.
But they don’t.
Because I’m just living the wrongest fantasy of genuinely loving you.