Day 2 of no booze.
Today was an intense day. One that I certainly would NOT have been able to get through on a normal basis without either having to take a xanax or just chickening out because the pressure was too great. First thing this morning I drop my oldest off and school, and me and my youngest (2 years old) head out on an hour and a half road trip to visit a college campus I have been trying to enroll in. Normally my hangovers and anxiety are so bad that I am terrified to drive far distances, especially with my daughter in the car. Today though wasn’t that bad. Don’t get me wrong, I was uncomfortable, but the feeling seemed so much more manageable than usual. I brought my bottle of xanax along with me just in case, but amazingly didn’t use it once. Once arriving at the college my daughter and I spent the next two hours sitting with advisers as I tried to get all of my affairs in order and questions answered.
While trying to focus on what the advisers were trying to tell me, my daughter, being a normal rambunctious two year old, was running an absolute muck. She would not sit still,kept screaming, acting out, and running off. Basically embarrassing and exhausting the crap out of me. I understand that she is just a normal 2 year old but holy cow! If it were a normal day after drinking I would not have even been able to handle it for 20 mins without panicking and finding a reason to just bail early. I was able to maintain my composure for the most part and keep control of myself. Not one panic attack, not one emotional outburst. I got home and picked my oldest up from the bus stop. Had a rather stressful altercation with my mother (more on that can of worms some other day) and then had an inpromptu visit from my daughters 7 year old friend. That’s right…me all by myself, and three kids, for the next 6 1/2 HOURS! o_0
So I do the thing I normally do, which is play super mom. I play games, I clean messes, we cook, I give baths. Normally I would be a few shots….i mean..”sips” in by this point. I would still be doing all the same things, but the alcohol would help keep me in a good mood about it. Tonight…I kept fighting the urge. I stayed very busy.
Finally once my daughters friend left and the baby went to bed my oldest wanted to sit and watch the show “Girl Meets World” (kind of a tradition for us since the show makes both of our generations combine) Now on a normal night this would be the time I REALLY start taking those “sips” frequently and in gulps….and trust me after a day like today that craving was hitting me sooooo hard.
I really just want to reiterate that I have never really controlled my alcohol cravings. Usually the second I want it…I get it…been that way for years. So you can’t imagine the feeling I was experiencing by not giving in.
The very first thing that I did was look for support; which I have found in an awesome chatroom called Recovery World. It’s like an AA meeting all the time, with some of the greatest and most supportive people I have ever met. I credit that chat-room with getting me through my second pregnancy without a drink. Once in the room I was instructed to stuff my face with sugar. After chugging sweet tea, eating chocolate, and one Popsicle (and whining to my little support group) I really felt a lot better. I then proceeded into a night of truly ENJOYING my time with my oldest daughter.
While watching “Girl Meets World” the female Shawn character (Rhyah)is upset that her mother (a waitress) never seems to want to be around her or there for her. When asked by a third party why the mother responds with. “Children tend to stay at the same level as their parents. I don’t want to rub off on her. She is better without me around.” This thought really seemed to hit home with me tonight, and with the things that I have been experiencing lately. I thought about this in two different ways
1) As previously stated in earlier posts. I am from a LONG line of alcoholics. My drinking habits were most likely a product of environment type of thing. It was only until recently I started realizing that I was going down the same path as my parents. The same “level”. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be 60 years old unable to enjoy anything if a drink isn’t involved. Which trust me my mother has reached a point where I’m pretty sure she sincerely can’t. 🙁
2) Not only do I want to change my actions for me, but also for my daughters. I don’t want to set a low barred example for my kids. They are two of the smartest, prettiest, and funniest kids I have ever had the pleasure of being around. They deserve a mother and a starting point worthy of bragging about.
I am not naive to the fact that I can not control the choices of my children especially once they are adults. But maybe I can take this time to fully understand what REALLY caused me to start drinking in the first place. My husband comes from a long line of alcoholics as well, and he has never had a problem with drinking. He never even had an interest to drink until he met me, as a matter of fact.
The more days I spend with a sober mind, over an intoxicated one. The more time I spend seeking support from others like me, and really thinking about myself and my triggers I get one step closer to finding the true reason for it all. I appreciate you being on the trip with me. It’s 1:22am…I’m so pleased to say…”another day down drink free!” See you tomorrow….one second at a time