Dream Where I Ended Things

After a long night of detailed and hard dreams, this part is the most meaningful to me.

After coming off of bad sea trip, where I ended a relationship with someone I’d been working for a number of years…for free…I was talking with friends about my relationship with Greg.

In the dream, he’d stood me up for a wedding several times. Not a big fancy wedding, but definitely a commitment ceremony of some kind. We would set a date…then he wouldn’t show up. And somehow, without even seeing him again, and knowing he had someone else he was seeing besides me, I would set another date when he would ask for it…because I thought I should and because I was going on his promises and not his actions.

This time, I’d been stood up again.

A man on a motorcycle picked me up to take me to him. It was a short man…wiry…and ancient and young all at once. We weren’t wearing helmets and it was similar to Pat’s bike in shape, but much smaller. I rode behind him…with one leg propped up underneath my other leg. It was numb and I was afraid I would fall off because I wasn’t seated well, so I was holding on to one of the hand grips on the side. Because I was sitting the way I was, I couldn’t hold on with both hands. I was a bit fearful of how precariously I was sitting, but I was afraid to move because I didn’t want to upset the driver’s balance.

Finally he asked me, “Are you comfortable?”

And I told him that I wasn’t.

“I didn’t think so,” he said. “You couldn’t possibly be in the position you are in.”

And he moved forward in his seat so I could move my leg out from underneath me and sit properly on the bike.

I was instantly more physically comfortable and then emotionally more comfortable.

He kept driving me to where Greg was living with the woman he’d stood me up for.

When we got to Greg’s place, I went in alone. In fact, I got off the bike by myself because there was no longer a driver. I understood that whatever transpired next, it was all up to me.

So I went in and Greg was watching TV in this big room. He didn’t know I was there. Somehow, I was soaking wet and had soap and a razor. I started shaving my legs and flicking off the hair neatly from my razor where he was sitting. I even shaved parts of him without him knowing it.

Finally, I spoke to him and told him that I knew what was going on…that he’d chosen the other woman…and that I was leaving. I gave him a glow in the dark calendar for some reason, and I asked for an outdated tree-planting kit that belonged to the other woman. He said he couldn’t give me one without asking her but he’d call her down to talk to me. He was all sly and grinning about it.

“No. I won’t speak with her. I have nothing to say to HER.”

I told him if he brought her in to talk with me, then I would call the police and charge him with trying to incite a riot. (???? WTH????)

I told him I didn’t need it because it would be a dead tree anyway. I had just wanted a trophy to commemorate that I’d ended everything.

He started making promises of how we could work things out and be together again, and I just stopped him and told him “No, it’s over. I want nothing more to do with you.”

He asked me for a hug before I left.

I told him very firmly, “No. You cannot touch me.”

Then I turned around, got on the motorcycle, started it up exactly perfectly, and roared out of there.

I remember being surprised that the engine didn’t sputter, that I’d started it perfectly, and left with a flourish.

I rode down a long narrow road for a while before coming across any oncoming traffic. I had to pull over a bit, and when I did, I took off my helmet (which I don’t remember putting on) and just laughing because now I was free and I’d been in charge of getting free of Greg.

I knew that I would be able to ride with Pat from now on and everything would be fine. Then I rode off to find Pat…and I woke up feeling very relieved and happy.

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This dream has a lot of little things in it that speaks to me. When I first moved here after Greg decided to go out on his own, I made a collage that says, “Are you comfortable to keep?” And I was questioning where he fit in my life. The collage has been on my wall for eight years now and I’ve thought several times in the past few months that it is time for it to go. It will be taken down today. He does not fit in my life. He didn’t even then and I knew it…but like the wrong piece of the puzzle…I kept trying to make him fit in…forcing dovetailed joinings when there weren’t any.

I like that I was unsafe and knew it without my helmet…being unprotected by my relationship with Greg…and that as soon as I knew I was free for Pat, I had a helmet on and was protected again.

I like that the driver left me in charge to handle things on my own, but got me to the place where I could safely and with concern for my precarious situation.

There are other things in the dream that speak to me. But this is enough for now.

I feel very liberated this morning.

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