I have a demon, this much I know to be true. I used to think I could control it, that I could keep it at bay. I am learning here lately that I can’t do this alone. That I can’t suppress the memories any longer and no matter how much I try, there is no where to hit stop when the instant rewind begins and the replay continues on. I can not control the emotions that are breaking free from the corner of my mind in which I once left them, I am no longer able to push them back into their hole. I need a drink!
No! You can’t drink!
I have to remind myself of this everyday here lately. I gave up all forms of booze and alcohol a while ago. I don’t want them, I don’t really need them, and though the idea of hiding behind that 5th or drowning in that case sounds appealing, I don’t want to run back to the temporary solution. I want something long lasting that won’t take my life away for a second time around. I want something that will enable me to stay focused on the bigger picture without destroying my mind, body, and opportunities along the way. I want to find peace while remaining sober and get beyond the pains of my hearts past.
I fear my own demon may be rising from the depths along with the classic replays of my fathers demon I had witnessed my entire childhood. I can feel it when the replays begin. I feel my skin start to boil, the rage rushing through my veins, and the urge to break something or someone pulsating with every beat of my heart. I feel something taking hold of me that wants to shut off who I have become and set free the monster that I feel was bred into my bloodline (almost like a dog). I fear for my children or my loved ones, should they ever be present and I lose control of the monster in the darkest part of my soul. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I hate conflict in all possible meanings of the word, and I just want this thing to subside and vanish for good. I don’t want to turn into him. I fear turning into him.