9/10/14 – this month was bad again

Since I am just beginning this journal, I cannot give a day by day recall of what has been going on, but I can summarize the past week.

We keep an eye on my birth control pack. This gives us warning that we are headed into choppy waters. I always try to verbally remind Brian that hard times are coming. I know what you’re thinking- if you know it’s coming, why don’t you just control it when it happens…. HA! I wish I could. You have no idea of the shame and embarrassment and disappointment that comes after the bad times. So I told him a little over a week ago that it was time. Time to be on watch for my mood, my energy level and to be prepared for anything. He knows what I mean by this. The first few days I can usually keep it at bay. I may whine more, complain more, get annoyed more- but I try my best to handle it. As the week goes by, it gets harder and harder to control. And for someone who is a border-line control freak, just the thought that I am losing control brings it on full force… I begin to freak out. I can feel it building up- the bus is late, it builds; a bill goes into past due status, it builds up; I get home and there are 3 loads of laundry to do, it builds up; I hear that my crazy neighbor has been talking to my children and my boyfriend that morning telling them about a molestation and that she loves them (/she’s on drugs), it builds up; my body aches, it builds up….there are quite a few more until we arrive at the night of 9/8/14. Brian’s friend is over hanging out watching TV with us. I am not a huge fan of him because he has encouraged Brian to not be the best boyfriend in the past- he swears he is done with that after I forbid Brian from hanging out with him for a while- and I am telling them about my day and a compliment that I received at work that made me feel really good about myself (yes, I was fishing for an extra compliment because I need them most during this time of the month) and I got next to nothing in response. About 2 minutes later, Brian’s friend shows him some dumbass video on YouTube and they laugh and giggle and discuss it for a couple of minutes. I got annoyed. I said I was going to bed. Brian inevitably followed me into the bedroom and made some remark (I can’t even recall it at this point) that set me off. I yelled at him about how he never cleans and he’s bringing all of his shit to move it in and not putting anything away and that my house is already messy enough with 3 little boys and me working full time that I don’t need him making it worse- he’s supposed to be making it better. He, as any man would, yelled back that he does help and …. , so it escalated. I put on some clothes (I had just gotten out of the shower- this fight lasted a while) and he thought it was so I could go sleep on the couch. He refused to let me and volunteered himself because I needed my sleep. I then got in the bed and he said he was going to go smoke and then said something else that annoyed me so I got up and threw a pillow and blanket out into the living room and locked the door.

He tried to get back in, I wouldn’t let him, I was angry. I was soooooo angry. I was disappointed that the man that I loved with all of my heart didn’t care enough to even help me clean up. I cried. I cried and I was mad. He actually said to me during the fight that this was stupid and I was just dealing with my period about to start. I knew he was right in my head but could not stop myself. I did manage not to hit anything. I threw my phone one time and didn’t break it. That was an accomplishment for me.

While I fumed in the bedroom, he cleaned. He cleaned up the living room, the kitchen and the dining room before getting the door open and coming back to bed. He got in the bed, said ‘mere (meaning come here) and cuddled with me… He hugged me and as I had a nightmare about an event from my past, I woke up to feel him squeezing me tightly.

Yesterday we discussed the situation. I explained my fear of pushing him away because of this but I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. It has gotten so out of my control that just knowing I’ve lost control of it makes me freak out. He’s there. He understands the fact that I am completely insecure about EVERYTHING during this week and that him even telling his friend that our babysitter has a little meat on her when he asked if she was cute will make me lose my mind (which it did last night). I get so insecure that even knowing that he remembered exactly what she looked like only having met her once over 3 weeks ago meant, in my mind, that he was thoroughly checking her out. This freaked me out and I even considered not having her back because of it. Today, however, even though I am still fighting the battle of insecurity, it is subsiding. I started my period this morning and within 2 days I will be back to normal. Thank goodness.

I have yet to figure out if the exhaustion I feel everyday during this time is because of lack of sleep- because I honestly don’t sleep well anyways, or if it is from the constant internal battle going on during this time. Because even though you see me lose it each day- you have no idea how hard I’ve fought just to keep it together to get through work, to get myself out of the bed, to not throw things if I burn dinner, to not cry because I just know he will leave me for this one of these days (I don’t really know that, I just assume the worst on these days). It is a constant struggle to keep my mind on a clear path of any kind that is not destructive.

We had another talk about how to handle it when this happens. We are going to try him leaving the room on a good note, I.E. “we both know what is happening and I still love you- I’m going downstairs and I’ll be back in a few min to check on you” and letting me cool down. Usually, I will either fall asleep mad and crying within 15 min or my heart will finally stop racing and I will calm down. We are going to give this method a shot and see how it turns out.

So, now you are all caught up in the story of my struggles. I will continue to TRY to explain my emotions during these periods of time as best as I can, but that is no small feat.

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