Searching for Answers

Another night of dinner with the rents. NO BOOZE. It’s seriously getting easier. I didn’t even have the urge tonight, which is totally rare because my parents drink from the moment they get home until. I notice a lot more things not drinking with them. Like for example, when I am drinking with them, they always seem relatively sober to me. Tonight however it was very obvious that my mother was very staggery, and off point. I don’t remember her being quite that bad in the past. I love my mother, no doubt, but I do not want to be that way. I can’t imagine she wakes up feeling like a spring chicken. Daily she talks about how her back hurts, or she just didn’t get enough sleep the night before. I am starting to wonder if that is just code for “hang over”. Now when you ask her about her drinking she will always say that she doesn’t drink that much, for years I believed her…but maybe I was just naive. Maybe I just wasn’t really looking close enough. Kind of like my husband with me. He never wants to say I have a “problem” just that I need to learn to control myself. I think it’s just as equally hard to believe something is wrong with the people you love, as it is to admit it about yourself.

I’ve found myself wondering a lot of things that I never really thought about before. They are usually just fleeting thoughts. Thoughts that shoot into my head for only a moment, and then I tell myself to hold onto it until I get home so I can type and think about it. I use to think the reason I drank was because of all of the outside stress. Bills, the kids, friends, my husband. I realize now, especially after connecting with others in the Recovery Chat, that I have a lot of things in common with my fellow alckies. When I talk to other people that have experienced any type of mind altering addiction I find that we all share the same tendency to be overly emotional. I wonder if the program for AA works as well as it does because the people that use alcohol or drugs, turned to them because they never felt accepted. We all felt like major outcasts, and instead of being able to just brush the feeling of being left out off, we hit a bottle or something else. Trying to numb the pain, or the loneliness, or feel more like we were fitting in.

I think that is why an addiction takes over so strongly. We get it in our heads that everyone else is the reason we drink. “The world is a cruel place and there for I have to use.” “You are stressing me out so I need a night of drinking”. “You are making me nervous so I need to loosen up.” This is all crap. I am the one that chose to handle my feelings with alcohol. I am the one that chose to handle my issues with poison. I am in control of myself. No one else. No one can make me do anything or feel any certain way. I have the power to choose! For years, way too many years, I chose to numb my pain by harming my body and mind. Slowly making things worse, like the boiling frog. Soon I began to feel as though I had no control. No control over myself, and the bottle had more of a say in what I was going to do that day than I did. Each day I stay sober I notice that I feel less and less like I use to. I don’t know if it is my body getting back to a normal state or what, but I really feel like I am on my way to being a different person. It is 11:15 at night and I will be headed to bed soon. I have successfully completed another day.

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