I’m angry this morning. It’s kind of been a creeping anger. I think it started a few days ago, and is starting to come to a head. Thing is it’s not over anything specifically. I have actually been feeling really great lately. I guess now that I don’t have to focus on how crappy I feel day in and day out I have started paying a lot more attention to other things in my life and thinking and reflecting on them. Thing that sucks is the things that I am angry about, and the people that I am angry with, are people that it would be useless to confront or try to talk to in anyway. Growing up I have been told for the majority of my life that I am crazy, overly emotional, and just an all around trouble maker. People don’t TELL me these things anymore. Maybe because I am now and adult, and they feel there is no point any longer, but I can read it on their faces often. When it comes to my parents especially, there is no discussion or ownership. At least not when it comes to emotions.
My husband and I moved back to our home town and ended up right down the street from my parents. I don’t know if the feelings I am having are all in my head or justified. (they have been an on going thing for quite a while now) but I guess I never really took the time to analyze it. I never really needed too I guess. Seriously, if I ever started thinking about things that I didn’t want to I would usually chill the thoughts with a beer or something. Nothing matters as much when you are using. Nothing gets to you because, thanks to the mind altering substance of your choice, nothing can get to you. All of your feelings, for the time you are under the influence, are wrapped up in a warm blanket and set aside. I’m thinking the reasons I started drinking in the first place, are very very deep seeded. Living here again I think is making me start to realize that. Dude I’m actually tearing…and I really don’t know why.
I have so much to type, but I don’t want to type it at the same time. It will all sound so stupid and trivial. I know that most of it is because I am an emotional basket case. People deal with me because they love me, but I am not easy to love. No matter how hard I try it’s just not an easy thing to do. I am “a lot to handle” “a martyr”. I am a failure and an irresponsible loser. I will never make it anywhere because I am such a train wreck of a human being. 🙁 I need to be thankful anyone is around me. Love is an obligation, not a fairy tale. I have been greatly loved in my life. I need to be thankful for that. I try to be thankful to the people that stick around. I feel like I owe them. I can feel them looking at me and seeing what an disappointment I am. All of the things I could have been. I messed it all up just by being the unstable person that I am. I talk about achieving a lot. But I never will. College, jobs, financial stability. It will never happen for me because I can’t let it…because I am a failure.
It’s not my families fault for recognizing it. When we are all drinking together we don’t have to think about it. We don’t have to talk about it. We don’t have to work anything out, just enjoy the free flow of booze. I have been called a martyr more than once in my life. I try really really hard to be as text book perfect as possible when it comes to dealing with people, because I am fully aware that who I really am is too much for most people to handle and not only that but it is wrong. I try really hard to not be confrontational, not have an opinion. I try to be really funny and make everyone feel at ease. Because I know that if I didn’t, they wouldn’t like me or want to be around me, because being around me is such a challenge. But..I have also started to learn that people don’t like me when I try to be “perfect” either. I can’t tell if I am the asshole, or I have just surrounded myself with assholes over time. Did I drink to forget who I am…or to be able to deal with me people I am stuck with?
Well I am starting to have a bunch of questions. Is this all just part of the process? Hopefully answers come at some point. Hopefully there is a portion of understanding. Who knows.