First order of business, I just caught a great big leaf bug outside my door. It was really sweet. Id like to say that I brought it inside and fed it raspberry leaves, because I have those on hand, and that I let it crawl around on my arm and then put it back outside. But the reality is that I jealously let my roommate hold it because I was too afraid of it jumping around on me and then I threw it back outside. And the reality isn’t even that I knew that leaf bugs like raspberry leaves, I just googled it because I wanted to keep it as a pet in a Tupperware with holes in the top. It’s important to me to be honest right off the bat. But even that is a little pretentious because I could have just said I saw a leaf bug today and it was cool. But the really great thing about this bug is that it was the first Katydid I’ve ever seen and because my name is Katie, the moment has been much anticipated since first hearing of them in elementary school. Actually that’s no joke because I clearly remember my beloved first grade teacher, Mrs Armstrong telling us about them.
Anyway. It’s always really difficult for me to write a first journal entry. The reason is that it sets the tone for the whole journal with no turning back. If I don’t feel like submitting to the general format of the first post the next time then I typically throw away the journal. I know, I sound like a really stable, level headed person. Luckily this online floating in space type journal makes me feel differently so I’m not so worried about that at all. Tomorrow I might write one sentence; in an Irish accent. This is a good point to mention that my mention of stream of conscious writing is actually generally what I intend to do because it is the most positively therapeutic thing I’ve ever found to do for myself.
Today I did my job which is to watch Jane. She is 18 months old and a shining smiling giggling light in my life. They pay me to make sure she doesn’t become too bratty, learns at least the first three letters of the alphabet and maybe some chinese. We never watch a second of television, and I’ve actually adopted the same lifestyle at home. The things I’ve learned from this toddler you wouldn’t believe. Or maybe you would.
Lately I’m having a lot of trouble with my identity. You might put it on a scale called Identity Crisis. Basically my husband and I are in this specific place, we moved to our dream state of colorado and are having a beautiful time. My husband has landed his dream job after 250,000 of student debt, we live with his college buddy to save money on the crazy rent and we are finally 6 months from living on our own again, and possibly purchasing a condo or home in which we could soon have children. Soon enough as well, my husband has confirmed that he will make enough money that i would not require a career. Here is the confusion with that. Shortish version. I was terrible in school, could be talented in areas but not grow in the cerebral parts of making it something real and when I went to school to be an opera singer, which was a real option because I was talented, I had cancer and a surgery and radiation that took me away from that, made me hastily choose a trade in massage, which isn’t bad but if I don’t need to have a career why would I chose one I wasn’t in love with when my husband would rather have me help the home? The other problem is that I would be great at being a mom, we both recognize that my god given gifts are a unique way and strength in love, the desire to help and be a part of my community, singing now as a hobby and and let’s go ahead and mention that I can get into a lot of short term cool projects. Here’s the catch right now. Since my end of singing as a career, and no I do not still consider it, because the blessing has been that I do enjoy it more as a hobby than I did as a paid job, I have been searching and sifting through hundreds of trip and fall, unthought out, lustfully decided career paths that I’ve got completely amped up about and then completely dropped In a week to a month. The point that I’m getting to is that I’ve been actually developing a real start up business plan that I care a great deal about and together my husband and I decided that I should continue and we are at a point where i was beginning to look for networking, fundraising and finance classes to get things moving in that direction and suddenly my husband sees that it looks real and he wants to know why I don’t want to take care of the family instead. I don’t know which I’d rather do. My value system has absolutely nothing against a stay at home mother and respects that she uses her extra time to love her community as well but my pride gets in the way every time I think about going that way. On the other hand, I don’t entirely know if this business of mine, which would equally use my gifts and abilities of love and community and whatever else, is something that I’ve worked years to find simply because I felt that I wouldn’t be respected if I don’t have a career after so much failure in school, to prove a point, or if I really just love this and I’ve finally found it and want to do it. I’m not sure if it sounds like it, or if it seems painfully obvious but these waters really are muddy for me. And it kind of is tearing me apart inside. I know logically that the truth is that my identity is in Jesus Christ, not my career, but my heart wants me to ask if that means that I “fold” and be a house wife or work towards a goal that will strengthen my community that others might not be doing. I’m cornfused and it’s making me resent myself. I need Jesus. He is enough.
Anyway. That needed to come off my chest because stuck inside my mind it is as ignorant as it’s probably going to sound when I read this back to myself, but the difference will be ill be able to see it plainly with my eyes. If that makes sense. I love my dog, He’s perfect.
I think I’m going to end on that note because I’m just feeling done.
Ok, um, bye.