I Wish to Be FREE

Dear Diary,

 

I don’t know how I act so strong. I feel a lot like it won’t be long before I give up on life completely and just break down and… collapse.

 

I can see it happening. I can picture myself someday breaking down. I’ll be telling my bosses at work “I’m so sorry. I can’t do this anymore.” I’ll walk out the door and just run away from home. Because I don’t want to tell my family this but I’m sick and tired of staying home. I want to run away from home. Run away from my family and friends. I want to run away from everything.

 

I feel like I’m making myself so… so emotionless. I hate how I’m making myself emotionless and try to strip myself of all feelings. I work every time I feel sad or melancholic. I try to take, or rather tear away, all of my feelings. But inside of me, there’s a constant fear. A constant fear that my past will come back to life and I won’t be able to escape it. I won’t be able to deal with anything anymore. And I’m actually scared of it. I don’t ever want anything bad to happen to me ever again.

 

I’m so scared of speaking with my family about this. Because one of my family members tries to follow every single thing I do and I really don’t want her to follow me in every little detail about me. I want to be able to speak somewhere where nobody will follow my example or do or feel anything I feel. And I especially don’t want anybody else to suppress their own feelings; tackle their feelings down so they don’t feel anymore.

 

Really, I do feel. Sometimes. But I always tackle it down and try to keep all of my feelings at bay. And I really don’t know what to do about it. In a way, I’m frightened. Not only of oters, but of myself also. And I don’t know… how to tackle that. I want to be FREE. But his can I be free if I feel that others bar me from doing anything; and otherwise, bar myself from doing anything for fear of being hurt?

 

I’m TIRED of feeling this way. I want to be FREE. But if I can’t be free…

 

… then what am I?

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