“My best friend Lily thought she was drowning. Drowning in the Salton Sea.”
I was watching this movie, little birds, and I don’t know why I felt so much like Lily
We live in very different worlds. Her hometown is ugly, run-down, she has an unstable family life, it’s easy to see why she feels like she’s drowning in a town where everything dies. But then there’s me. I live in the suburbs where you can look out your window and see neighbors mowing the lawn or walking their dog and the school district is the best in the state. I live here with my mom and dad and one sister, perfect, right?
So why do Lily and I both feel like we’re drowning
I used to look at big houses in perfect neighborhoods and think the inside was just as their outside was, with all their neatly trimmed hedges and shiny windows. That was, until I moved into one of those pretty houses and saw that it didn’t matter what the outside of the house looked like. An ugly family is an ugly family, no matter how pretty they try to make it look like they are.
But anyways, back to little birds.
As Lily touched her scars on her upper left thigh I reached for my upper right thigh and ran my fingers over the rough, healing skin. I felt so much like her but really we are so different. There’s something about misery that connects people no matter how different their battles.
What’s my battle then?
Well, I guess it depends on the day.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I overreact and I am drawn to problems , I wallow in them. Sometimes I think I’m so used to sadness that it’s more comfortable to me to be sad than happy. Maybe that’s why the pills and the therapy and the 504 plan aren’t working. Everyone’s efforts amount to nothing because I don’t know how to change. This just brings daily conflicts that don’t need to happen.
So today, put simply, I just fucked up.
For some unknown reason girls must always have some sort of drama that consumes their lives and once it has been settled, a new conflict arises, seemingly from thin air. One day you wake up and there’s a fight that wasn’t there yesterday but now it’s of upmost importance. Well, I guess I had enough of it.
My group of friends, the self-named “bitchsquad” did everything together. We updated every detail of our lives in the group chat and there were no secrets between us. The unspoken rule was everything goes into the bitchsquad but nothing comes out. It seemed too perfect, everything was going great, so of course, someone had to find something to be upset about. Rachael started withdrawing from the group and silently criticizing the way we ran things. I guess she thought it turned into more of a cult than a group of friends. Next was Julia who started thinking the same things and sided with Rachael. Next was Maya. This divided us and we ended up talking about each other behind the other groups backs. Were Rachael, Julia and Maya out of the bitchsquad now? They sure hoped so. I seemed to be the only one who had a problem with all this tension. I addressed the problem directly, asking what was being done to split the group and how it could be mended. It worked for a few days but the tension still boiled. Another group chat was formed with Me, Abigail, Haley, JB, Nicki, and Joanna, the other half of the bitchsquad. Anyone would have known about this as the original bitchsquad group chat was silent, a rare occurrence that normally lasted only for a hour, at most. That was when Maya started asking questions. She subtly mentioned the lack of activity in the group chat in her sarcastic, mocking, carefree way. I guess I had enough of all the secrets and indirect fighting so I messaged Maya and tried to get to the bottom of things. I asked questions about what she was accusing us of, calling them out on the dinner plans we weren’t invited to and, in return, I got only bored, half sarcastic replies. Maya can’t take anything seriously. What happened to her, I don’t know but she doesn’t care about anything. I don’t know how we smoothly transferred the conversation over to finding a good homecoming after party but the conflict seemed to solve itself and for some reason, I felt better.
So things are solved for today, hopefully.