Ok, lets get the formalities out the way. I’m in my late twenties, I live with my wonderful boyfriend (and soon to be husband), I am about to loose my job as an administrator and I am totally lost when it comes to any form of social interaction.
Okay, let me get this off my chest…
I have spend my entire adult life and late teens feeling totally abnormal and feebly trying to fit in with ‘normal’ people because, well, that’s what society expects of me. I have learned through the media, my parents and the general public that what I am is wrong and I should in fact feel uncomfortable with who I am rather than embracing the real me which is ironically the very same thing message that those people preach. Its kinda like those magazines that have the inviting captions of ‘how to feel comfortable in your own skin’ and ‘women who are big and proud’ but then put an airbrushed modal bang smack in the middle of the cover and have the usual ‘how to drop 3 dress sizes in 14 days’ in the same issue. Mixed messages?
I have always known that I am different from most people and have been rejected for as long as I can remember for simply not fitting in which to be honest I was ok with, I guess I just got used to it. I was perfectly happy in my little quite world until somebody told me I ‘wasn’t normal’.
My mum used to worry about me because she felt I should have had more friends and gone out more and that she wished id had more hobbies and interests and would always tell me I was hard to read which is true, I am hard to read. The problem is when these messages are repeated to you constantly you ultimately begin to worry that there must be something wrong with you and you automatically start to notice the ‘faults’ with your personality. Why should I have had more friends? Why should I have gone out more? What’s wrong with having just one or two other quiet mates? What’s wrong with not fitting in with the norm? As an adult I can now look back and realise there was (and is) nothing wrong with me at all. I was just quiet that’s all. I wasn’t nasty or aggressive or a trouble maker, just quiet and what’s wrong with that?
After wasting years of my life feeling inadequate and suffering horrendous social anxiety in my early twenties, crippling depression in my late teens and battling with a constant feeling of loneliness as a result (which nobody knows about), I am now taking on a new mission. I am going to accept who I am instead of fighting it, I am going to allow my true thoughts and feelings to fill my head instead of trying to force myself not to think or feel them for fear of not being like everybody else.
I am going to write my true, uncensored thoughts and opinions here; the good, the bad and the ridiculous.
I am an Introvert and I’m finally learning to be cool with that