Is it a failure or just a stepping stone?

So, today I have been married for 7 years. Wow. That’s insane. A lot has happened in these past 7 years. I have not only grown and changed with a fantastic man, but I have grown and changed on my own. In light of mine and my husbands anniversary….we drank 🙁 It was so fun at the time. Boy do I feel like absolute cr-diddily-ap. I am quit pleased to announce that I drank like a “normal” person. However to experience the hangover today is a new sensation all together. I seriously haven’t drank in almost a month. No binge drinking, no nothing. We drank last night as a way of celebrating together. Just doing something fun between the two of us. We have two children and no one that really helps us very much with said children, so usually our weekends are spent right here at the house doing nothing. We weren’t able to actually go out and celebrate in any way, so we decided that we would sit under the stars in our back yard, crank up the 70’s Rock and talk. My husband is absolutely great for talking. Just to sit in his company is seriously some of the most fun I’ve ever had. When our two personalities combined it is seriously magic. I adore my time with him. And while I am really regretting the drinking on a lot of levels…I hope that you can forgive me, and understand. I feel like I not only let myself down, but I let down the purpose that I was working towards. 🙁 I’m not giving up though. I have come so very far in my sobriety that I am not going to let one night take it all away. Maybe a good thing to do feel so bad this morning, instead of feeling bad and punishing myself for not being perfect…I’ll fully express the CRAPPINESS I feel. If there are any of you struggling with an addiction, it feels AMAZING to not have the poison in your body. I mean lets face it, weather you’re a smoker, a pill popper, a drinker or whatever…you are poisoning yourself. You are putting some heavy duty crap in side your body. When you use regularly…you get use to the feeling. When you stop, you start to feel amazing. I seriously regret drinking so much right now. Not because my fingers are swollen from dehydration (which they are) My sleeping pattern has been disrupted (which is has) and I just overall feel jittery and imbalanced (which I do)…but because I have put this crap back in my system and now its going to take days to get back to that amazing feeling I had before.

I have also noticed that I have been fighting the urge for another drink. It’s not as strong as it use to be. Probably because I now realize how much more control I have over myself than I use to think. For the first time in years I have experienced the amazing feeling of sobriety, and I am not going to let this one slip up take me back down under. It is incredible though. I sit here and ask myself, why am I craving another drink so bad? Why do I do that? Why can’t I just be a normal person who lives through their hangovers? I really don’t know the answer to that. Normally, after a night like last night, I would be coming up with any and every excuse to keep drinking. I would then be drunk for the next 2-3 days trying to avoid the awful feeling of being hungover.

I want to avoid feeling bad! I am a pansy. Holy cow I think I am having a revelation. Seriously, I drank in the first place to escape. To escape boredom, or emotional upset, and when it came time to come down…I would just drink more to avoid it. I can totally see how I have seriously tried to avoid dealing with my feelings and problems by the use of alcohol. It has always been my quick fix. The express track to feeling better and forgetting everything that was bothering me. In the past few weeks that I have been clean, I have realized how much better I function without the crap, and how much more efficient of a human being I am when I am sober.

This morning I feel like total shit dude. I totally don’t want to do anything at all. Like I have totally had worse hang overs in my life…but this one is really bad in particular because I have been experiencing such good feelings lately. Like clean natural GOOD feelings that I don’t have to pay for the next day. I am seriously just wanting to hide from everyone. My oldest daughter will be getting up for school soon, and I’m pretty sure my youngest will be waking up very shortly afterward. Lately when my youngest gets up we have been doing things. Playing a lot, reading and swinging…and running a lot of errands. I seriously don’t want to do any of that shit today. Literally if I could sit her down in front of the tv all day so I can hide my head under the blankets I would. How lame is that? Yeah I totally don’t like the person alcohol encourages me to be. I think in these past few weeks I have realized that I truly am way better without that crap.

I think I started drinking because of peer pressure. It seemed like everyone was doing it or something (weed, pills, whatever) and I thought that drinking made me cool. It also made me feel a lot better in social situations. I seriously realize now, from the bottom of my heart, how stupid that is. If you are struggling with any type of addiction, and you have managed to get away from it…don’t go back. I really don’t think I will. Last night was a special time between me and the man I love, doing just about the only thing we are able to do considering we have very little money, or help and have two small children. But I am not at a place where I can do that shit. I can’t just have a few drinks and call it a night. I tried to do that last night with him but I didn’t. I over indulged I sneaked quite a few shots when no one was looking. I have to come to terms with the fact that I am seriously not a normal person when it comes to booze and I never will be.

I know that my husband did NOT drink very much at all. He had a few, got a good buzz and went to bed. I had a few mixed drinks with him, but when his back was turned I was throwing back more alcohol than I made it seem. 🙁 That’s really not good, and very stupid, and I totally wish I hadn’t. But I also can’t control myself, especially once I have had that first drink. Once I have that first drink it seriously feels like everything is good with the world. It some how feels like the best feeling and all I want is to feel even BETTER! Even though I know that the more I drink the worse I will actually feel the next day, or even that night if I end up puking…(Which I really don’t do any more) When I was younger getting sick had become a nightly ritual. (boy that sounds really bad too). Yeah guys…thanks for listening to the rant, and hopefully you don’t think I am a total hypocrite… but if you are still reading…seriously take it from me…don’t go back…I don’t think that I will. I want that good feeling again…not this awful one. What really sucks is because I am so groggy and dizzy and all I want to do is sleep but I am jacked and feel so weird…that I can’t. It is 6:30 now…but I have been up since 3:30. I hate this dude. And my fingers seriously feel so swollen. Damn I’m dumb. Furthermore…My back hurts. Like seriously…the muscles in my back feel really tight and tingly…dear dehydration…you suck ass.
Alright… I’m don’e beating myself up now…and whining about crap I can’t change. I am going to take this experience and grow from it. God I hate a hangover…but I am not going to drink it away. I’m not going to escape it…I am going to down a ton of water…try to take it easy…and hopefully feel better tomorrow. It absolutely blows my mind that alcohol is legal over weed. Alcohol is a heavy duty crappy ass drug that seriously affects every aspect of a person negatively.

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