Lately I have been having all kinds of dreams. I guess you can say it’s my wishful thinking. Dreams about a life with my son, but without my son’s father. I am just very unhappy in the relationship that I am in. I would leave him if I could. I can’t leave right now, I can’t even support myself right. I hate myself for having to depend on a man to support. Yet, that’s exactly what I am doing. I have already lost my identity as a person. I do not know who I am anymore or what I want in life. I have been feeling like a failure lately. Sometimes I think about what would have happened to me if I had not made the decisions I made when I was younger. Maybe I wouldn’t be in the rut that I’m in right. I have been trying for the past 3 years to get out of this big black hole that I have dug myself into and I just can’t seem to get out of it. It feels that every step I make forward, I go a step back the next day. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I walk around with smile, but its a fools smile. I only smile so that I can hide emotion from others. Sometimes it is difficult and you can see it all over my face. People tell me I have raw emotion. They tell me that I am well liked because you can see my emotions clearly everyday. They can’t, I just think I have gotten so good at hiding how I actually feel that it seems real to others, but I know its fake.
Last night I dreamed about not even living here. I dreamed about living in a place where I was actually happy, just me and my son. I was single mom. I was so happy. I was able to support myself, able to do the things that I wanted without having my boyfriend there telling me that I am wrong, making me feel like an idiot all the time, making me feel unloved and unwanted. Sometimes, I don’t know what I feel sometimes. I am like a lost puppy searching for a way out for a way home. I am pretty sure there are other’s who have it worse than I do, but for me this is my black hole and I can’t imagine it getting any worse and if it does only God knows what I will do.