It’s been a while. .. It’s been a while since I wrote out my thoughts yet I don’t even know where to begin. Ovee the past few years I’ve been able to define my emotions, figure out where they were coming from… and undersranding that oftentimes they come from an irrational place beyond my control. But right now I can’t and I’m just buying trouble.
I saw my Dad today. My Dad who has brain cancer. My Dad who my Mom is convinced won’t make it to February. When she told me that last week I brushed it off.. she had to have been overreacting. Nope. As someone who sees death daily at work, she has a point. He looks like shit. His demeanor is off, his smile is uneven, his cheeks have the classic terminally ill red and purple tint. I bring up concerns to my Mom who brushes it off… her way of dealing with this is to ignore. I bring it up to my Dad, who doesn’t want to hear it.. I just feel like there’s something that can be done to help him. Or maybe I just haven’t come to terms with the fact that my 56 year old father is actually dying and there isn’t a god damn thing I can do about it.
I’m angry this happened to him. A random brain tumor that presented itself atypically and harshly almost 2 years ago. How the fuck do you deal with this? How the fuck do I deal.
They say I need to spend as much time as I can with him. Which I want to.. but his way of coping is spending his time and energy on my brother. Grasping to build a relationship that wasn’t strong… fixing the wrongs of his past. While ignoring me completely. He invites my brother over frequently, gets upset when he doesn’t reply to phone calls or emails… but leaves mine unanswered.
I’m overwhelmed. And alone. And it’s wearing me down.