relationships

Let’s talk about my relationship today. I’ve been with Bryce for almost 3 years, living together for 1 1/2. And for the most part it’s been amazing.

After our first date I told my best friend that this was the man I was going to be with forever. We get along well, he balances my craziness, and brings out the best in me. We’ve overcome so much already in thjs relationship… for most of it I was working 3 1/2 hours away on a 7 on, 7 off schedule. With us hardly seeing each other we made the best of the time we had. But now, now I finally live and work in the same area and at first it was a dream come true.

I feel like pur relationship is crumbling apart and we have become glorified roommates. I honestly can’t remember the last time we had sex… It’s been that long. Intimacy is no where to be found. And our work schedules are opposite. He works days, I work evenings. When I come home he’s asleep, when he leaves for work I’m asleep.

I would like to think this isn’t about love. He tells me he loves me every day. I get flowers frequently and he’s always doing little things to make me smile. But that’s when we aren’t together. When we are it’s just dull. He spends more time planning fun things to do with his friends than me. I feel like a burden of boring.

But he says he’s happy so maybe I’m just projecting. Maybe I’m the unhappy one. But I’m also pushing marriage which at this point makes zero sense because that won’t solve a damn thing.  Other than I’m so fuckin insecure that I’m convinced he’s going to wake up one day and leave me. I mean why else won’t he touch me unlesa I force the issue?

I think I’m looking for something to fall apart because I’m used to dealing with a crisis and I want to ruin something.

I’m wondering if I’m in an episode,  perhaps I’m depressed but I don’t feel sad. I feel empty honestly. If I could sleep all day,  I would. And let’s face it most days I do. When you work at 230 it’s easy to sleep. And on days I dont work I just make sure I’m up before he gets home.

I started working out and hired a personal trainer. I was hoping maybe doing something for myseld would be a good distraction and help with my insecurities.  But I can’t seem to get motivated to go to the gym unless I have a session.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I haven’t been in 5 months. . I don’t like her. I miss my old one. She’s gonna tell me to go to counseling. I hate counseling. Or go back on prozac. But this isn’t my usual depressive state. I don’t feel sad. I suppose the loss of appetitie, sleeping all day, lack of motivation,  and overall laziness should tell me otherwise.

Maybe this is what a normal person without a mood disorder feels like when they’re sad. But im not sad. I’m just…. lost.

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