sleep??

My sleep schedule is beyond fucked up. it takes more medications that it should to knock me out.. which unfortunately leaves me to sleep all day. Although today I got up before noon on my own!

I called in sick to work on Tuesday… I wasn’t sick. It was fucked up of me. They were already struggling to find coverage for the night shift.. they were hopingn I would double. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t be around sick and dying people. I couldn’t be around the politics surrounding my job. I’m supposed to work tomorrow and I’m praying the only question I get is “are you feeling better?”.

Uggggh maybe I should go back to counseling. Find someone I like. But they all want me to achieve goals. Meditate, reprogram brain pathways to stop the negative thought spiral of doom, find ways to do things and take time out of the day for me. .. blah blah blah. Let’s see if journaling will help.

My personal trainer is in her master’s program to be a counselor haha maybe it’s fate. Speaking of, she’s going to kill me tomorrow. It’s been a week since I’ve been to the gym. Our deal was 2 days with her, 2 days on my own. That’s how I was going to get 10 free sessions. And it wouldn’t have been so long if she hadn’t pushed my sessions back due to her own family emergency. Sigh.. just another thing to beat myself up about.

Honestly,  I just want to forget about life while finding magical solutions for it all.

Usually I can get my crazy out with my best friend. But it seems selfish of me to bitch to her as she got a kidney transplant this week.

I wish I could be normal. Not living in a bipolar world with anxiety.

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