The first one…

I am a stay at home mom of 2 amazing boys and a wife to a wonderful man. My life is far from perfect and I live each day as it comes. I just try to always tell myself that things could always be worse than they are now. There have always been ups and downs (always seems to be more downs than ups…but I suppose it’s all how you look at it). There is always a surprise to be had or a heartache to heal through. But no matter what, I know that I have my family.

“The family is a haven in the heartless world.” Christopher Lasch

Some times that sounds silly. I mean with all the crap that we say to and about each other. The things that we do to each other, either in front of or behind their backs. I suppose through it all…they are still there. They haven’t walked away from it all. No matter how much they know the possibility of getting hurt. Maybe that is kind of the whole point of love. That no matter what…no matter the chances of everything changing  and falling down around you…you are always going to be there. Fighting for that bond. That connection. But what if you fight too hard? What if you are fighting so hard that you don’t see the truth of what is right in front of you? Or do like I did. I knew the whole time what was going on. It was right in front of me from the very beginning. I still fought. I fought with everything I had. I fought for my family and for my life as I knew it. I fought for the love that I once had and wanted back. After all the fighting…I won. I got my family and my life back. I got the love. It wasn’t perfect, never will be. Nothing ever is. But it seems like everything that was fought for showed me that everything can change in the snap of a finger.

That might just happen tomorrow. My mom goes in for a biopsy. This will let us know if it’s nothing…just some masses in her stomach lining. Or if it’s cancer and she will be fighting for her life. I haven’t expressed to anyone how truly scared I am. I’m scared. For my mom, who will have to fight, with all she has, to survive. For me, who will have to stay strong for her and depending on the outcome, possibly having to bury her. For all her grand kids, who just won’t really get to know the real woman she is. Other than my boys, who have gotten to spend some quality time with her, they will only remember her being sick. I suppose though that all of this is a bit premature. Like I said…it could be nothing. I just hope that tomorrow will give us answers, so we can have some peace knowing what to do from here.

2 thoughts on “The first one…”

  1. Thank you. I really needed that. I know a cancer diagnosis doesn’t always mean death. I suppose it’s just my worst fear. She is in getting her biopsy done at this very moment…only time will tell.

  2. I found this touching in many ways, I’m sorry to hear about your mother, I hope she gets well & I wish you the best of luck on receiving your answers. Stay strong & keep positive

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