The day this all started was a typical day. I was at work doing the usual, looking back It was a super busy day. I started feeling ill, it all started with my left arm beginning to go numb, my shoulders tensing up and I started to feel short of breath. I tried to quickly calm myself down, not really letting anyone catch on to the way I was feeling. Then followed the chest pain, and extreme shortness of breath. I remember walking to the restroom, splashing water on my face & telling myself repeatedly to calm down, that all of this would pass. Eventually some of my symptoms resided, but I was far from being at ease or feeling normal.
I came home that afternoon right after work, still trying to put together what had just happened to me. I told myself I needed to rest and stayed in bed for the rest of the afternoon. I eventually fell asleep around 10PM. I would say not even 15 minutes later I was awaken, Gasping for air, the feeling was identical to having a huge elephant sitting on my chest. My first thought was “I’m having a heart attack” I ran to the kitchen and swallowed a hand full of Aspirin. I had never felt so hopeless in my life. I sat in my kitchen floor in tears, numerous of things running through my head. As my heart slowly dropped, I started breathing slowly and realized I was fine. Through out the night the symptoms only worsened.
I ended up with no choice but to go the emergency room. I was given medicine for acid reflux? No joke, its sad how pitiful doctors are these days. Diagnosed with what they felt was a panic attack and advised to see my primary care doctor for anxiety medication.
I felt so much better the next morning, being the stubborn person that I am, I dismissed the whole idea of seeing a doctor. I thought to myself there was no way I was going to be taking “Happy Pills”, I would be okay, This was jst a one time episode. Boy! Was I wrong?
A few week later, I was at the gym. Before my first episode I had started eating much healthier and working out 4 days a week, something I had grown to love. I had already seen much improvement and was excited for what was to come. I’ve always been a plus size girl, but as confident as a bird with a French fry. Anyone that knows me even a tad bit will tell you that. Anyway… Here I go getting off topic.
I figured I would do a few miles on the thread mill, Everything was okay at first. Once I came to a stop my body became weak, I was unable to breath, and had to hold on to the rail for a few minutes. I took a seat and tried catching my breath. After minutes of trying, I was finally able to breath but still felt weak. Everything I felt the first time, all of those symptoms and more were back with a vengeance.
I realized really quick that exercising only made my condition worse. I panicked, I worried day after day, googled 24 hours a day…. and came up with very interesting but scary conclusions in my head.
Finally a good friend from work pushed me to get it checked out, he said my symptoms sounded jst like anxiety and I had to get it checked out.
Eventually I had my first doctor’s visit and was put on anti-depressants. Not what you’re thinking, I wasn’t depressed. Anti-depressants are used for anxiety. The thing I had been running away from all these weeks had trapped me.. Being forced to take a little pill to control my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I gave them a try, even though I didn’t want to. I wish I could tell you they worked for me, and end this blog telling you that I lived a normal, happy, close to perfect life, that this was the end of my nightmare, but it wasn’t. If anything it was jst the beginning. The pills didn’t do anything for me besides make me feel like a zombie.
I stopped taking them immediately. I knew something was wrong with me, something further than jst anxiety. I felt there was something wrong something deep. I don’t know I cant really explain, Maybe my lungs, my heart? I jst knew something wasn’t right. I went back to the doctor.
I’ve seen more doctors/specialist/nurses/PA’s than I count with both hands… and still no answers.
I’ve had numerous of test done… and still nothing. It’s been 3 months and I could honestly say that its been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Some days of course are worse than others.
But, I will tell you this, I will NOT give up on myself, even though some days I feel like I cant keep on, I will push, I will find answers. I will not let this define me. I will questions doctors, I will look for answers bc I feel that I deserve them.
& deep in my soul I know one day things will get better. I don’t know why I’ve been chosen for this journey but I do know that god squeezes us but doesn’t break us.
Sometimes we just need to know that we are not alone, that we can face any struggle as long as we are determined to walk through the rain. We don’t know happiness until we know sadness, We don’t know success until we known struggle, & We don’t know health until we know sickness.
I will not let this break me, I will surpass this and anything else thrown my way. I am stronger than I know.