I haven’t written in a while. I used to be so good at it.
My life is in shambles and I’m grasping onto everything that I possibly can that’s familiar. All the while I find myself broken: staring off into space. I’m broken. I have pieces lying on the floor.
When I look back on my life, there is so much that I’m not proud of. I’ve sought vengeance towards those that have hurt me and my family. I’m a smart allelic and severely stubborn. So stubborn that I find it difficult to control. I’m outspoken and say things without thought.
I feel that some of the things that I have worked years and years to fix about myself, to cover my past really doesn’t matter. I feel that in the end, I’m still going to be that 16 year old girl who put sugar in her step-dad’s weight gainer or that 22 year old drama queen in Iraq begging anyone and everyone for attention.
I guess I sit here confused. I cannot verbally speak the words in my brain because there is some form of a disconnect. I’m baffled. I’m destroyed. I’m destroyed by the events by yesterday.
When I look at the person I am and the person I want to become- they’re not far off. I want to be happy, I want to laugh, I want to help people, I want the people around me happy, I want people to see me and be excited that they know me, I want peace, I want to give my daughter’s a great home and be a wonderful nurturing mother, I want to be a wife that my husband can depend on, I want people to know this about me. That I do not have a mean bone in body until someone hurts my children or my family or those close to me in any way.
My husband asked me for a divorce yesterday. Two beautiful little girls and 4 years of marriage later, he wants to call it quits. And cowardly, I call him begging him to regain his thoughts, begging him to not do this. Divorce? His claim is that I make him miserable. That he gets nothing from me but hell and he can’t do it anymore.
I guess the hardest pill to swallow in this dilemma is the simple fact that the person that I would die for and the person that I live to make happy is miserable because of me. After regaining all this thought on what happened yesterday- begging him to come back and him simply checking out. I cannot help but wonder- maybe divorce is the answer.
Sincerely as whole, I want my husband happy. I don’t want to keep him with me because we have two girls. I don’t want to wonder every day of my life if he’s with me because he wants to be or because I have him trapped.
And the other part of me wonders if this is a good idea as well because I’m broken now. I truly wonder if there is any way this is going to be fixed. I’m so broken. I’m keeping it together because of the girls- but I lose it when they’re napping or away from me.
And if he didn’t mean this. Maybe he said it out of anger. But why would you want to break the person that mothered your babies, takes care of you, has stayed loyal to you for so many years, always wanting to make you smile. Why would you want to shove her face in the dirt. Ruin her. Make it so she doesn’t or cannot sleep for days on end. This is the person that you’re in love with. Why?
When I do see him next- I’m going to put my strong face on. Even in the midst of this journal I’m bawling my eyes out. But best believe when I conclude this, I’m going to the bathroom and putting on my make up. Putting on a happy face.
Little does he know- in my moments of solidarity- the shower. Bed. Home alone. I’m going to be crying. I’m seriously broken.