Emotional break downs aren’t even the start of it.
It seems like the emotional break downs, however, give segway to some form of relief.
I’ve been singing a lot. Writing a lot. Running a lot. I’ve been working on communication. I’m working on seeing a therapist for myself. I’m going to get a big girl job here shortly. I’m just working on myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the only thing that I can do. Work on myself. I can’t force my husband to fix this. I can give him the tools to fix this, but I can’t make him.
I’ve got this odd feeling, thought, mark my words- it’s going to get too hard. And he’s just going to give up. Odd thing is I truly believe this. And I’m getting myself emotionally and financially set for when that moment occurs. I can’t put my babies in a position of having an unfit/poor mother when that happens.
There’s only so much that I can do before I’m nagging or being irritating or annoying. And now that I’m so unsure of my marriage I don’t know where that line is anymore. Am I trying enough? Am I loving him enough? Am I loving him too much? Is being this close pushing him away? It’s seriously the biggest mind fuck ever.
The irony behind this is, in the 6-7 years that him and I have been an item- there has never been one moment where I had him crawling back to me: begging not to leave this relationship. I have been 100% willing to be here and saying, “Let’s fix this, I’m not done yet. I want to work on this.” I have never placed our relationship in the trash and walked away.
The fact that he has been the only one that has seriously wanted out of this relationship makes me question myself as a wife and the security of this relationship period. That in itself is so unfair.
I’m getting myself internally prepared for the next time that he walks out. Because I really can’t do this again. I’m not standing in front of the door anymore. I’m tired of feeling that I’m not worth the bullshit. I’m not worth the work when all I feel that I do is work on myself to be better for him.
A lot of damage has been done.
All I can do is depend on myself for now. Put up a wall for now, and mentally prepare myself for the future. I’m strong. I have to remind myself that I hate change and that I’m a good person. That if he steps out- he really is stepping out on the best thing that could have happened to him and that it’s not my job to remind him of this. He should just know.