My last entry was a little bit…weird. I just put a bunch of words that were stuck in my head in this text box and submitted it publicly. I don’t have a problem with others reading how I feel and relating, I’m glad someone took the time to do so.
I gave it thought. I gave lying a thought. Maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is. Yes, lying is wrong. My relationship and friendships are built on trust, though. Although a few lies have circled around and made those bonds stronger, but nothing to completely jeopardize what I have with this group of people. All I can do is vow not to tell more lies, because it is torture. Maybe one day I’ll confess every last sin I can remember, but for now it’s going under lock and key. I’ll more than likely take it to my grave, because what people do not know, will not hurt them.
On a side note, I’ve felt dazed all day. Today just doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t seem fair. Tomorrow makes one year my Grandmother has been missing from my life. I can’t lie and say it has gotten easier over time, because it hasn’t. I’ve learned to live without her, but it’s been an everyday battle. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing. I give in to my emotions, I cry myself to sleep, I cry aloud when I’m alone, and sometimes I cry silently when I’m around my loved ones. I really do miss her. I felt like she was the glue that held my life together, and now the broken pieces are starting to fall back apart.
This Christmas was the first one I remember without spending it with my entire family. I was with my Mom, my brothers and their family. What I was missing was my Uncle and cousins. They decided to travel out of states for the holidays. I can’t help but feel sorry for my Uncle. He thinks that running away from the holiday makes it more bearable and it doesn’t.
I’ll probably be back again tonight. I would like to write an entry just of her, because there are many things I would like to say to her that I can’t. But maybe if I can jot all my feelings down, this heartbreak wouldn’t hurt as bad.