Waves

So after my one day of hyper happiness (which came after two days of severe depression) I have now calmed down a bit. It feels like my emotions are like ocean waves…sometimes they’re calm and beautiful and sunny and sometimes they rise up higher than me and come crashing down and toss me around in the water. Which would be scary if it was true, because I can’t swim for my life. Literally.

Anyway. I won’t talk much about that today…you know, about my ‘feelings’. Because feelings are always kind of stupid, especially when they involve crying (no offense to anyone).

So yeah. I’m going to take a hint from littlebirdie and write down a few things that I’m grateful for today:

1. The Catcher in the Rye (JD Salinger). Hands down, best book ever. I can read and reread it for the rest of my life.

2. My siblings. My brother and sister are both super cool and independent (role models!) and my younger sister is really cute when she’s not being annoying.

3. My mom. I’m glad that she is nothing like my dad or else I would go crazy.

4. All of the friends that I’ve ever had, both on the internet and in real life.

And that’s about it for today. I don’t want to sound ungrateful or anything, but just four things will do for today I think.

This is totally random, but I really want to go to the beach right now. I haven’t been anywhere near the ocean in years–oh, well, I’ve actually been to Hong Kong which has a beach, but I didn’t go. I miss smelling the salty air and feeling the sand all hot and scratchy under my feet, and listening to the waves. Can’t even describe the sound of waves…kind of like roaring or hissing but still different. Just the sound of the water in the background.

I have this friend that I met on this gaming ebsite and I’ve kept in contact with her through email. She once told me that her life is worthless, among other things. When I replied I told her that whatever her life was it was NEVER worthless…So now I feel guilty for wanting to kill myself, because wouldn’t that make me a terrible hypocrite? I hate hypocrites because my dad is one and he’s always being hypocritical when he is arguing. I don’t want to be one. I just don’t want to be like him period, I see myself getting snappier and snappier and ruder and more hysterical every day and I just don’t want myself to end up like him. I have to TRY to be kind and patient and polite–shouldn’t these things be innate or something?? Some people are kind without even trying. What is wrong with me…the more I try to be nice the more I sound like my dad–impatient, loud, angry. I guess I have to try even harder to be the good person that I want to be…

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