All I can think about lately is my future. What I will do, where I will be, who I will be friends with. It always makes me sad when I think about it. It makes me want to “fade like a shadow”–the name of a KT Tunstall song. It doesn’t mean that I want to die, exactly. I just want to lie down, and sleep, and dream away the rest of my life. I don’t know. I can’t even explain it.
I guess my perfect life, my perfect future, is like an “invisible empire”–again, a song by KT Tunstall. I can’t see it, I can’t touch it, I can’t smell it, I don’t know what it’s like at all. I just DON’T KNOW. And that’s what makes me crazy. I can’t stand the NOT KNOWING. When I don’t know everything about what I do, I can’t even. The perfectionist in me cannot STAND to lose control of the steering wheel, even for a second. When I lose control, I go insane. I believe that I have both atelophobia (fear of imperfection) and atychiphobia (fear of failure) because of this need to be IN CONTROL. But then again, I also have arachnophobia, a little aquaphobi, coulrophobia, claustrophobia and GOD KNOWS what else. Of course, these are all self-diagnosed. I’m no psychologist or anything. Funny thing about me, whenever I notice some odd behavior or mood swings, I go online and search up different illnesses and phobias and diseases and I diagnose myself with this or that. In fact, just the other day I diagnosed myself with situational depression because I thought I had some of the symptoms mentioned. I go crazy worried that I have some mental illness or something and then when my ‘symptoms’ magically go away I’m like, Ok I’m cured!! and go on my merry way. I once diagnosed myself with cancer this way. Then, after my ache or my injury went away, I stopped wondering when I would lose all my hair, and when I would start coughing up blood or having fainting spells.
Weird huh, just writing about some of my craziness has taken some pressure off my brain.
Anyway. I wanted to call this journal “Invisible Empire”, but darn it then I lost track of all the great deep meaningful things I was going to write, so whatever. Today I woke up and told myself that I was going to change the world, but then I decided I was tired so I went back to sleep and said ‘tomorrow’. I am the biggest procrastinator that you ever saw (or uh, heard of). I keep putting things off until the deadline or just plain not doing them when I don’t think they’re important. Which I know is irresponsible but whatever. It’s funny how I am a perfectionist but also a very lazy procrastinator. You’d think that I’d be one or the other, but NO I had to be both.
Okay I guess I should stop here because here I set out to write a good deep metaphorical journal with actual THOUGHTS in it and now it’s all about my self-diagnosed phobias and how lazy I am for a procrastinating perfectionist and it’s totally off topic. Ooh ooh wait but I would still like to add that I am also a feminist, 60% optimist and 40% pessimist, environmentalist, and pro-choice pro-LGBT teen girl who also happens to be a Virgo born in the year of the Rabbit.
So yeah the end that’s enough, better post this before I start talking all about every single thing I did today, starting with waking up very very late with a bird’s nest of hair on my head (cutting it short did not stop it from appearing incredibly messy in the morning).
Strange that I stopped thinking about my future during the time I was writing this (a few hours, considering that this post you see here is actually the second one–the first one got wiped out for no reason)–but that’s only because, like the procastinating, late-sleeping teen I am, I’m putting off worrying about it until bedtime. There are more important things to think about right now, like how to be a better perfectionist without only making my procrastination worse. But I’m going to set that question aside for tomrrow, hehe.