Sleep Tight. I didn’t just pick it because I needed an username. It actually has a deeper meaning. I chose it because I really hope every single one of you sleeps tight and has a beautiful day after waking up (sleeptightandgoodmorning was a little bit too long:p).
— You can choose to ignore this post now, since it’s not my happiest post ever. Your choice—
I want every single one of you to sleep tight, because having a good night of sleep – and a beautiful day after waking up – is something really special your should be thankful for. It’s something I rarely get. Like tonight, I slept like 1 hour? I’m alive during the day. You can’t really call it much more than that. I do what people expect me to do. I feel like a zombie or a ghost: half alive, but half dead. Seeing what’s happening around you, but not really being a part of it. Then, when the day turns into night I kind of feel worse and worse. It feels like this wave of.. numbness (but at the same time it’s not numb) is slowly drowning you, and you can try and swim until you drop, but you won’t ever reach the surface. I feel lonely, sad, angry, afraid, hopeless. I feel so much and also nothing. I hate myself and I see no good in the future and then I may hurt myself. That’s because, when I hurt myself I can just focus on the pain. When I focus on physical pain, I don’t feel the mental pain.
I lay awake for hours until my body just has to recharge, and it (I) can’t stay awake for any longer. When I wake up I find myself in front of the mirror with these beautiful bags under my eyes, and it all starts over again. It just feels like my life’s an endless reel that just goes on and on. I’m only half alive during the day an dI lay awake at night. So I don’t really SleepTight. I think it’s a privilege to sleep tight.
Oh and it’s not like I’m always having these days. I have my happy days too. But there are just so many not-so-happy days.
“Then do something about it. It’s your own attitude that is standing in your way. You should stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Is what people tell me after I told them parts of the above. And that’s also why I don’t tell anyone. But I thought – since this website is anonymous anyways – why not get it out there.
I just wanted to get this off my chest. It actually felt really good just to write about it. And I know that you might think now that I’m only wanting attention or whatever. I don’t. You can ignore me. I just needed to write it down and tell it to someone, anyone. I don’t want to whine or anything. Just thought that writing it off might help – it did. I might take it offline anyway.
I promise I’ll post my usual weirdness tomorrow again.
Thank you for reading – regardless of what you’re thinking of me right now. I really hope you’ll