Entry 2: Unstable

I don’t know. I have a “normal” life but yet everything seems so hectic. I’m young and I’m extremely stressed. I have been stressed to the point of physical pain and exhaustion. Speaking of exhaustion, I have been so tired recently. I have been passing out at random points of the day. No matter how much sleep I get, I’m exhausted. No matter how easy I try to take it, the patches of grey hair continue to grow, the backaches get more intense, the migraines come more frequently. I don’t even know how I feel. I’m paranoid at one point, worrying about everything to the point where I don’t want people to look at me, to the point of me having panic attacks in crowds. Then I feel apathetic and dead inside, I don’t care what happens to me, everything becomes a blur, everything in meaningless. And then there is the ‘sadness’. The times where I literally think of jumping in front of busses, when I search several ways to stop existing, when I relive the first attempt. And there is when I can’t eat at all, or when I eat a bunch of food to the point where I’m sick. My insomnia seems to have disappeared for now, I haven’t had troubles falling asleep for a couple month. My sleepwalking issues are still happening, which is strange because most cases disappear in late-childhood. But then again, my sleepwalking started in my late-childhood. I’m so insecure about everything. I hate my looks, I hate my personality, I hate myself in general. I’m afraid everyone will leave me alone, and I don’t want to be alone.They talk to everyone so joyfully, but they don’t talk to me. They say I can talk to them, but then when I try,they change the subject or ignore me. I’m always wrong. It’s always me. Why did I do this? Why did I say that? I point out their faults and they guilt-trip me into thinking it was my fault. Maybe it is me who is wrong, maybe they’re right. I care about them so much, I want to care about them when I can’t. They’re all I have left, i’m so helpless. I can’t leave, i’ll be alone. If I stay, I’ll feel lonely anyway. I can’t leave, I’m not an adult. If I stay, I feel terrible. I can’t leave, there isn’t enough money. If I stay, I’ll be stuck in the repetitive cycle. I want them to love me, I don’t care if they do, they all hate me but I hate me too. I hate life, life is great, I feel miserable, I feel ecstatic. I want to live, I want to die, it could happen either way I don’t care. I want to talk to you, I don’t trust you, I love you, I wish you’d disappear. I miss you, I wish you didn’t exist, I’m sorry, I lied i’m not, forgive me, hate me I don’t care. The jumping moods are exhausting, the conflicting emotions are exhausting. Speeding up into a high mood and crashing into a low constantly, never stopping. I wish it would stop. I just want to see the world like they do, I just want to fit in, I just want to be happy without consequences, I just want to mean something to them, I just want to be normal. I just want to come home thinking it was a great day, instead of coming home wanting to drop on the ground. I just want them to take me seriously, I just want them to stop thinking I can constantly be at the top 100% all the time. I want them to stop comparing me, I just want to be in control of my life again.

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