I read a lot of first entries here and they are so much like my own was. I have made a lot of my journal private since I want to say semi anonymous. It’s like those first entries are reaching out. They are a way of sorting things out too. It seems like so many of us just don’t feel we are being heard and/or understood. I guess for me the main thing is learning to understand myself. Sometimes getting all that jumble of emotions and thoughts out helps to keep them from churning around inside. It is sort of a reality check too. You write it all out, and then say . . . hmmmmm. There it is. Now what do I do about it?
Sometimes the person or people you are having the hardest time with are the ones you just can’t get through to, or don’t want to. I know a lot of things that bug me are just really not going to change. You really can’t change other people or how they think and feel. So it’s a matter of dealing with it and maybe getting what you need from some other source. (Or in some cases, letting go and moving on). I do think it’s a bad idea to expect one person to be all things for you. I also think it’s good to be out and around other people. It helps a person get perspective, and also get your mind on other things. This said as I have been avoiding social situations myself this week as I just want to feel a little better about myself before throwing myself out there.
I am dreading the simple question: ‘How are you doing?’. The answer would be I am a member of Team Fubar. (Effed up but all right). Looking at the facts of my life right now I am about at my lowest. Hitting the food banks and community sources for free meals. Living in a basement of a friend of my husband’s. This is not bad, not bad at all and only temporary until the rest all falls into place for us.
I think our separation was good for us but it put us in a bind financially. Also, some of the problems that resulted in the separation are still there. The good thing is I am a stronger person and I don’t take any crap anymore. Doormat no more. I see him trying so hard and I see how much being together means to him. That means a lot to me.
I know once I am working and have a focus and can make plans and have real goals will help. Right now I just have to take it as it comes. Not a lot of choices, I just have to roll with it all.
One choice is to not let myself slip into the void of depression and hopelessness. It’s a nice day today. I have gone outside and just let myself feel it. There is a bright blue sky and the clouds are just awesome! They are flying across the sky in bright white bundles. In-between are wispy little shapes. I saw a fish and one of those funny little things that were in Nemo, the things with the bulbs on top and the long stringy things hanging down. It is a symptom either of stress or age or the combination that keeps me from pulling up the word I need for it. Or just that I don’t talk to people much anymore. Another thing I can do something about.
I have to remind myself that my restart up north lasted two months. Now I am at the beginning again so those two months don’t count. I am only in week two and things are really looking good for me here. I’ll have friends and money and things to do and think about again soon.
I got my sketch pad and pencils out today. I did a couple of cursory drawings just to get my hand and mind going. Now, I am going to find some kind of picture online and try to recreate it just for practice. I think it’s going to be a good thing for me.
I am going to make sure I listen to more music too. It always makes me happy.
I know it sounded like I was really bummed when I started this entry but I have realized that for what I have to deal with I am really doing pretty okay and I will be just fine in just a matter of weeks, and I am not doing it alone here. I have everything I need. And the will to make things better. Life is good!
Off to watch some football. 🙂