I just want to get this off my chest.

This is my first journal entry and I’m sharing something hurtful. I am stuck and I don’t know what to do. Let me start from the beginning. Deep down I have always known that my father has done things like this because my mother has given to hints to me as a child. But as a child I never understood. As I got older I began to understand what he did. However, I never really gave much thought and I didn’t speak about it. But it hit me really hard around two years ago, when I found my dad had another daughter that was seven years old. Mother was the one to tell me. She told me she found out by snooping through his phone. I didn’t know how to react at first but to cry for days because I felt betrayed. Because he kept a secret for so long and because he could have gotten my mother in danger from a disease. I completely lost respect for my father that day. In the end my mother didn’t divorce him. And he said he would never do it again. He knew I was angry at him but I kept my mouth shut. As weeks went by I became angrier and angrier. Sometimes he would come home from work and he would want to hug me and or put his hand on my shoulder and it absolutely disgusts me. I could not forgive him. As months pass i began to speak to him little by little, I still did not have my trust back. Then last year, I was walking my dog around the corner, and by mere coincidence I saw someone drop him off. I looked over to the car and it was a women. He started to stumble home because he was drunk. I followed behind him, he did not notice I was there. When he finally got home I approached him and he denied it to me. He said a friend dropped him off. I couldn’t believe that he lied to me. I told my mom and she asked him if it was the same lady and it was. He said he didn’t do anything and I don’t believe him. But my mother does. To this day I am still angry. I can’t forgive him. My mother is still with him and she tells me that if it ever happens again, that she’ll leave him. Sadly, I know she never will. She always asked me to stop being mad at him. But how can I ¬†magically stop? I just can’t. I know if my dad was in my mothers shoes, he would have thrown her away like trash. My mom tells me that if I live here without forgiving him, it makes things difficult for them. But now I feel like my mom is blaming me for the reasons they can’t work things out. How will my father ever learn that what he did is wrong. I’ve tried countless of times to talk to him about it and he always tells me that he could do whatever he wants and I have no right to question him. I know will never forgive my father. And just living here in his presence makes it harder for me. I’m planning on moving out and I am hoping to never see him again. I just don’t want to lose the rest of my family.

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