I wish I was as numb as I’d like to think. The girl who doesn’t feel anymore. The girl who doesn’t care…… My heart is broken. It feels like it’s in pieces, and every piece has a jagged end. These edges poke at me from the inside every time I move,every time I breathe. Inside, I am bleeding. Sometimes the pain isn’t even metaphorical. It is real. Like someone is squeezing my heart, like I’m having a cardiac arrest, like I just want to curl and throw up. I find the sight of food revolting. I want to hold on to the memories, but it hasn’t been that long. I’m confused, angry, and hurt at the same time. On the other hand, I feel liberated, free, I feel…enlightened. But I need to decide. It’s not so hard to blame myself. I could have been better. I could have loved better. I could have been more patient. I could have done this and done that. But none of that will ever change anything anymore. It’s not so hard to blame karma either. That maybe things turned back around and bit me when I least expected it. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I shouldn’t even complain. All the times I’ve hurt other people — maybe this is revenge. Maybe I shouldn’t even complain as the pain I’m feeling now isn’t even half of what I’ve caused others. Maybe I’m a bad person, and I needed to feel this to wake up. I can hardly breathe. I’m in a state of shock, of disbelief. How could all this be happening? I’ve had nightmares like this before, but I would always wake up finding him beside me. Why am I not waking up from this? Is this even real?