It was yet another day of my life when i tried or rather struggled to face the confusing world that surrounds me. There was nothing good or bad that happened to me but it was just the feeling being alone in this big world with few friends around but no one to share my feelings with.
Sunday, Jan 25, 2015 : The day when i felt the urge to talk to someone who can actually understand me. The best possible way i thought would be to write my feelings and seal them. As always me and my friends went to spend our weekend out somewhere. We watched a movie (Dolly ki Doli) which was pathetic, shopped a bit and had lunch. After the movie my friends asked me what would i like to have in lunch. Being a pure vegetarian, i had few options to choose from. It was so confusing for me to choose one. I realized i did not have any personal choices, be it be food or clothes or anything else. Wherever my friends took me, i went along with them always without questioning or putting up my choice. Am I such a bore to be with. Why i don’t have any choice or opinions for anything. These questions kept haunting me for a while. I felt like i live in a world where i do things to impress others, to make some good points or to be like them.
The last few months of my life have shown me so much that everything has changed. I feel like being more independent, more serious about myself , more worried about my future. I see people around me spending so much on clothes, accessories, food, outings, footwear and i feel good about it. But when it comes to me, it seems to be a big decision to spend anywhere. I buy clothes which are cheap and only the ones which my friends suggest me to buy. Why i cannot choose my stuff on my own, why do i seek others help. From morning to night, i keep thinking how will i look my best whenever i go out. I hardly own any good clothes. Its not that i cannot buy any or i don’t like any but its just its very difficult for me to spend on brands or any expensive stuff. I feel like clothes are meant just to cover our bodies. A 100 rs. dress will surve the some purpose as a 1000 rs. dress, so why to spend more. I keep going through this dilemma in my head everyday and still i cannot match to anyone’s expectations. My friends lend me their stuff so that i don’t look odd one out whenever we go somewhere. I just feel its just not my cup of tea to be all decked up and all time party ready.
Its a big big struggle for me everyday to match them and not feel all left out. I am a self absorbed person and trying to do things for others happiness and still feel “Why i cannot fit in, Why is everything so not me.”