Today I started the day with a smaller than average breakfast ’cause that’s all I felt like. Then I didn’t have my normal snack because I was busier than usual and didn’t notice I was hungry right away.
When I got to my car, I was feeling desperately hungry. I sat in my car and ate the rest of my snack and then drove home. And I wondered…how do I go from being very hungry to being back in balance and able to figure out how much food I need?
Staring at my lunch options, I was tempted to make a small amount. I had already eaten less than normal for the day, and I could keep that up, right? Then I thought better of it. I recognised that I felt pretty hungry, and felt I needed a bigger lunch. So I made a larger portion. Now, an hour and a half later, I’m glad I did. I don’t feel over-full.
The point of learning to listen to what my body needs is that hopefully someday I will have enough trust in my body and enough balanced sanity around food that I could just check in and know what types of foods and what quantities are what I need in a given moment. Take the “shoulds” completely out of my food choices and be more of an organic, body-connected person around food choices. Which is what I feel like I have always wanted to be.
It’s scary to strike out away from rules and prescriptions around food, because I have come to truely distrust my body’s cues around food. I have a lot of fear that listening to my body will result in self-delusion and weight gain. But at the same time, I’ve got one life to live. I don’t want to spend my whole life feeling like I’m not quite living up to some external ideal for food or weight. I don’t even want to spend the rest of my life going to meetings about food (OA). Though I LOVE OA and would recommend it to anyone struggling with food, I don’t think I want to do it forever. I feel like I can say I have really DONE it. I’ve gone through the 12 steps, I’ve worked with a sponsor, I’ve gone to meetings and done service and all that stuff and although I do love the program, I want other experiences in this one chance on earth too.
So here I am, striking out and not sure where I’ll end up.