Yesterday was hard. I spent a lot of time in my head about food. I ate less than usual for breakfast, which was my choice cause I didn’t want to be over-full, finished breakfast for my snack, which was really yummy, didn’t feel like a big lunch so I took cheese and an apple to my afternoon meeting. I was wiped out from an emotionally draining morning…
When I got home, I ate a bagel with more cheese. I felt like I was starving, and I knew dinner (husband) wouldn’t be ready for another 2.5 hrs. I started with the first half of bagel with some cheese, and I went to read to my son while eating it. And it was good. Soooo good. Scary good. And I felt it filling up all those tired, stressed cracks in my mind and body, and taking away all the pain of the long, hard work day. Shortly after finishing the bagel, I wanted another half. It was in my mind and when I got up for another reason, there they were. I considered bagel with butter instead, but decided it was cheese I really wanted, and isn’t that what I’m supposed to care about with this *intuitive eating* strategy? Bagel and cheese it is.
So, that sense of being soothed, taken care of, ok, safe, wonderful, content, saved…all that coming from a bagel with cheese on it…well, in my 10 years in OA, we would call that a binge food. Because food isn’t really all those things. Food is fuel. When a food does all that other stuff, it’s a drug, and I’m a user. “We practice abstinence by staying away from all personal binge foods”, so don’t eat bagels with cheese, because you don’t eat them, you “use them”, K.R. That’s the OA was of seeing this event.
But here I am, wondering if there is another way.
The rest of the night was like this. F (husband) finished cooking his italian sausage with onions and peppers. And I was exhausted and had taken a bath. I felt full. Not stuffed, not uncomfortable, but not hungry. But I wanted those onions and peppers. I usually have cooked veggies daily and I really crave them when I haven’t. So, I did eat. Again, 1/2 portion of veggies and sausage (I didn’t have it on bread cause I didn’t want bread), followed by another 1/2 portion. At this point I was really really tired and worn out. I’m getting sick with something. I really just wanted to go to bed, but I had promised my son (6) that I would watch Pippi Longstocking with him. So, when it was time, he wanted desert and I thought “I want desert too, damn it! And now, since I’m not restricting sugar, I can” I made kettle corn to eat during the movie. And I felt sick halfway through eating it. Stopped eating, felt better, ate more. It was truely so yummy.
And now I feel like I totally overate last night and this whole idea of moving away from restriction is a fool’s errand. I’m going to end up with my face in a feed bag of butter and sugar, out of control and obsessed with food. Does it have to be like this?
I talked to F about going back on sugar 2 nights ago. He was very encouraging, telling me that he knew I could get myself back to OA any time I wanted.
For today, I think honoring my body and feelings is the key to winning the day. It will be a tough time at work today, but I’ll get through it. Tomorrow is a mellow work day, and then the weekend is here. Looking forward to another day of getting better.