Note: This may not be that suitable for more serious problems that end a relationship, like abuse, harassment, or even fraud!
Like it or not, most of us have been exes – either out of past romantic relationships or divorces. Life is no fairy tales; break-up happens. So?
Feeling heartbroken, angry, disappointed, and / or sad? That’s for sure, especially since once upon a time…that person meant so much to us. (At least that’s how we felt back then.) That’s to be expected.
However, we still need to find a way to move on, move past it somehow. (Don’t we all?) You may say that it’s a lot easier said than done. It’s true, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. After all, we always have a choice to be happy and do what’s right for us.
Surely, there have already been countless articles about post-breakup mode and how to deal with it. Well, hopefully this can be a valuable addition – since we’re not just talking about how to get over your ex and move on.
So, how to be that elegant ex? It’s quite tricky, especially when we can’t always escape them or get rid of them out of our lives. Sometimes we even still have to deal with them at work!
1.Don’t talk about it…like ever again!
I know you’re tempted to, which is understandable. The existence of social media these days seems to cater more to your needs to simply badmouth or rant about your ex’s shortcomings to the world in more ways than one. However, the past should stay in the past. There’s no point in constantly dwelling / brooding over that. What for? Not only you can’t convince others that you’ve completely moved on, you’ve also bored them to death with the same stories you’ve recounted over and over again whenever you hang out with your friends. (Come on, wake up! Don’t you have anything more interesting to talk about?)
2.Talk to close friends only, but…well, not so often, please.
Can’t resist talking about your ex, even after you claim that you’ve already moved on? Well, your besties are there for you with their listening ears. Consider that a ‘yay’ despite your ‘nay’.
Well, not so often, please. Remember, they’re still human too; they can get bored. You may not notice so much when they either roll their eyes, yawn hugely, or even try their hardest to distract you from that same old topic again and again – or even rudely change the subject altogether! If you do notice, stop recounting the same old tales about your ex. If you don’t, then that’s a serious problem that may affect your friendship. It’s either you’re oblivious or just…self-centered. Be careful, your ‘close friends’ might soon become just ‘friends’…then ‘acquaintances’…then…
3.Silence is INDEED…still GOLDEN.
What if your ex starts badmouthing you first? Well, naturally – our first response to that is to retaliate. Once again, that’s perfectly normal and completely human.
Unfortunately, most of us tend to let our bruised ego get the best of us – so we fail this simple mental test. Not only it creates unnecessary drama, taking your ex’s bait will show the world that none of you are better off than the other anyway. Even worse if you do it on social media, where the world can just see (and perceive) you as: IMMATURE. No kidding.
If you can’t take it anymore, put your ex aside and have a serious talk with him / her. Whatever has happened between you two, does the whole wide world really need to know the full, gory details? Seriously?!
It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong. You also need not worry too much about how your ex’s ‘slander’ might affect you, because those who know you so well (and truly care about you) can tell the difference between the truth and the lies.
4.Keep it short and simple.
Okay, so perhaps your buddies know that you and that person are through. If anyone offers condolences (as if it’s a funeral), just smile or nod briefly and say thanks.
If anyone asks why, keep it short and simple by answering: “It just didn’t work out.” If they insist that you explain more, just shake your head and say nothing. Sometimes people need to stop poking into your personal business, no matter how close you are. If you don’t feel like talking about it, then they have no rights to object your personal decision. (Besides, people grief differently.)
Come on, it’s easy. Work harder to build your career. Socialise with new people (if possible, a new crowd where you and your ex haven’t got to know before.) Get a new hobby. Travel. Anything to keep you from being obsessed with talking about your ex…non-stop.
Need I say more?
6.Seek a ‘professional help’.
If you constantly rant about your ex every time you hang out with your pals until they get sick of listening to you, here’s the bad news: you might possibly need a therapist. Harsh but true, but if you can’t get over the subject for a very, very long time (like months or years), there might be some underlying issues that need to be addressed.
Who knows? Perhaps there’s a good reason why it didn’t work out between you two. Perhaps you’re just not right for each other – and being exes might save you from great misery. Besides, who says only your ex had something to do with your break-up? Who says you’re perfect?
Not only that, if you listen close enough – there are others with much worse problems than yours. They may have just lost their jobs, their loved ones have died, or they might be suffering from serious physical illness or terminal cancer. How many of them blab their problems to the world the way you do?
Okay, so why is it better to be an elegant ex?
1.For your personal self-image.
This isn’t about playing a hypocrite or being in self-denial. Do you think people are going to feel sorry for you if you keep on talking about how your ex has mistreated you…again and again? Do you think your ex is going to get a bad name out of it?
No…and no. Maybe they sympathise with you at first, but then…they just see you as someone who loves drowning in self-pity.
Want to appear strong and powerful? Stop portraying yourself as a victim!
2.For your future, better relationship.
Is this really relevant? Oh, yeah. Your overall, post-breakup attitude will determine the quality – and opportunity – of your next relationship. How come? Well, here are the possiblities:
This is how it goes: people always talk. Either a tongue slip or just a mean-spirited intention, even if it’s your bestie. It’s always a much bigger risk to blab about your ex to everyone in the room, because some of them might be good friends of your ex – but you just don’t know yet. (Yeah, how would you anyway?) Words travel fast – and social media just makes them fly faster.
Should you worry? Certainly. If they keep hearing just how much and how often you badmouth your previous ex, they might possibly be thinking: “Should I date this person? What if it doesn’t work out and I end up as a really bad song they sing?” (Sounds familiar?)
Ladies, if you hear a guy rant about how much exactly the expenses he has spent to treat his previous ex, would you consider dating him in the future if he ever asked you out? Hmm, good question. Unless you like being treated as just an ‘investment’ instead of ‘one of the two investors’ in a relationship, then you’d better retreat. When one chooses to pay, that should come from the heart. They should not make you feel like you owe it to them and vice versa if you’re the one paying / giving, especially if you’re already in a serious relationship.
3.For second chances.
Why not? It is still possible. After all, we’re only human. We make mistakes; none of us are perfect here.
What if old feelings return and either of you wish to patch things up and start over? Let’s see how much chance you still have if you discover that one of you have already badmouthed the other to the world…a lot…
Well, you don’t have to get back together if you don’t feel like it or if it’s too impossible. You can still be friends, though. (Trust me, a lot of exes are like that!) You can also just go your separate ways…and leave each other alone. I’m sure you’re mature and sensible enough to decide what’s best for you.