My 27th birthday is coming up and I feel neutral about it. Not excited, not disappointed. It’s just another day. Why am I not looking forward to it? Why do I not think it’s a big deal? I have gone through so much this past year and it’s actually a bit overwhelming to think about it. To sum it up here’s what my last year entailed: breaking off an engagement and eventually breaking up with him, learning who my true friends are, graduating with my master’s degree, moving to a new state, living alone for the first time ever, being scared to deal starting my residency, feeling intimidated daily for quite a few months, meeting people through meet up, hiking, golfing, volleyball, beer, wine, parties, arcades, trivia, soccer, improv, going through a slut phase again, having some boyfriends, breaking hearts, getting broken up with, dating many different types of guys, trying to find love, learning that I need to stop looking and to focus on myself, gaining confidence slowly in work, trying not to feel intimidated, getting hired on, preparing for my board exams, slacking with my workouts, trying daily to eat health, forcing myself to wake up early, sleeping over at a boys house, questioning him, not learning, learning, realizing i deserve better, understanding that life is great and to embrace it’s beauty which I haven’t been doing a lot lately.
Phew…that’s it. I know there’s more but that is just the general summary of the past year of my life and that includes current thoughts/crazy emotions/questioning as well.
Today I went to a Ohio Willow Wood course to learn about a software program. It actually was a confidence boost going. I realized that I have learned a lot and that I am personable and that I am smarter than I actually think. I don’t know why I have a lack of confidence but it is something that I am working on. Being with my man friend taught me that i need to be confident. I think he likes when I need help since it makes him feel better as a person. I’m actually quite fed up with it but for some reason I still want to be his friend. I’ve never gone back and forth with a guy before before him and part of me hates myself for it. I know I deserve better and I’m realizing that and not always txting him and asking for help anymore. However, I will ask help when I need it becuase he is a good teacher. I just wish he wasn’t an ass about it. And, when I’m in lab, I get that I’m a female and like the “sister” but damn, I feel very disrespected sometimes from him. The things he says just bugs me. And I think it’s because I view him as a friend and then to degrade me at work really hurts.
Make matters worse, but maybe better. I’m moving to the same apartment complex as him. I looked at like 10 and his was the cheapest and the safest. Maybe our friendship will get stronger. I dont know. I just know that I don’t like myself for letting a boy bug me this much.
Anyways, another struggle I’m facing is my eating. This has been a struggle for me for YEARS and it’s awful and I’m embarrassed to talk about it to anyone. Sometimes i feel like I need to talk to a therapist sine they wont judge and possibly could help me. I have no self control and sometimes just eat when i’m not even hungry. When i work out I tend to eat better which is why I need to get back into my morning workout routine. (side note..alarm is set for the AM)
It’s just a struggle. We have a “chocolate” drawer at work and I have no self control with it. I did go 2 weeks without touching it. And then I failed. It’s pretty much just an awful circle. I do good, then bad, good, then bad. Help me.
Ugh, anyways. I dont like ending things on a negative note so let’s end it on a positive note. Tomorrow is a new day and I’m looking forward to it : )
I’m going to start doing a daily goal: Tomorrow’s goal is:
-Be confident at the OWW course
-Eat a healthy dinner once I get home from the course
-Brush my teeth directly after dinner and be done eating
-Only one sweet tomorrow