I have wanted to start a blog for sometime now… Years actually. I’ve written countless entries in my head and designed pages, but I’ve stumbled when it came to the name. What to call it? I want to be anonymous. I don’t want people to know its me. There were times I did. I guess my reason for a blog has changed over time. At first it was to share my funny challenging stories. “Oh those crazy things that happen to Betty!”, people would say as they read my accounts of my humorous life. But over the years, the stories have become less funny… To me. They have become more frustrating. I have become angrier at the situations and more lonely in my telling of them.
I started this diary tonight, to express myself. I want to share how I’m feeling without emptying all my dirty laundry into my friends’ and families’ laps. “Isn’t that what friends and family are for? “, I hear you ask. Yes. Yes they are. But sometimes you just want to vent without having everyone remember how messed up you were.
Another reason for this diary, is my depression. I think I have depression. I’m not sure. I’m really sad a lot. I get really frustrated and angry… A lot. I take medication because I wanted to protect my kids when I was really upset and angry. Now, don’t get worried. I wasn’t ever going to hurt them (or myself) physically but I tended to yell a lot. And then cry because I felt so bad at yelling at my kids. I didnt want them to experience the roller coaster of emotions that I felt daily, hourly, constantly. So I take a mild antidepressant to take the edge off.
And this is why I don’t know if I have depression. I have 2 wonderful amazing intelligent kids. I homeschool those two amazing, intelligent kids. It’s challemging. I have a beautiful home that takes a lot to look after. I have 2 great dogs, intelligent dogs that require a lot of interaction. I have a great husband. He’s away a lot. Sometimes when he’s at home, he’s still ‘away’ a lot. I get lonely. I get frustrated with parenting and teaching and training and yard work and housework all on my own. I get frustrated being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to interact a lot and doesn’t fully think through on consequences. But more on that later.
So do I have depression? Or am I just overwhelmed? Am I surrounded by people who cannot support me and isolated from people who could? I don’t know. And some days I don’t care. I’m just done.
Tonight is one of those ‘I’m done’ days. It’s been a full, busy day. So many things have left me frustrated and angry and feeling alone. And I’m confused. Is this my situation taking a toll on me? Or do I have an illness that makes me feel this way? Does it even matter?
I don’t know. But hopefully this is a step in the right direction.