Just hold on

How can so much change in such a short time? A few weeks ago I had called out of work because of back pain but Monica was still going in. When I woke up I looked at my phone to find a text from Heather saying they were taking Nanny to the hospice hospital. Long story short I rushed down there that night and stayed in the hospital with her till the end. I whispered to her that I loved her and that it would be ok as I stroked her cheek and watched her take her last breath. I was so sad but she fought so hard. It was nice to know she was in a better place…a place where she was herself again. I sat there with her awake for almost 2 days with my back killing in a chair…2 days…watching her breathe, counting her apneic periods. It felt like labor…a different kind, but the mental and physical and emotional stress…it was a labor of love…of sadness…an end but a new beginning.

At the funeral the preacher said something that resonated with me. He said that sometimes things are hard and we come to the end of our rope, but it’s then that we have to tie a knot at the end of that rope and hold on tight. I had found out while I was down there with my grandmother dying, that yet another round of insemination didn’t take. It was another heartbreak. Twice in only a few days…if I thought before I was at the end of my rope…I now knew I was for sure. This was our last opportunity to conceive before the doctor said that we would stop and put me through a multitude of testing. But we want this baby so bad…and life has to go on. Death is a part of life. It sucks but it’s a bitter but sometimes sweet fact. My grandmother passed and it was a horrible thing to watch. She suffered for years and at the end she suffered for days, only to drown in her own fluids. But she went on to a beautiful place that only we here on earth can dream about. And I can only hope that she is up there watching over me and pleading on our behalf. Life has to go on. My wife and I have to keep going on. As much as we feel and maybe want the world to stop for a while because the test says “NO”…it keeps on turning…it keeps moving, changing. More babies are born, and more people die. And so we are tying a knot and holding on a little tighter, a little longer.

Monica and I decided that we wanted to do our own thing. We were both over the cold and sterile feel of the doctor’s office. We needed to try one more time before we agreed to the testing. We decided to try at home. Needless to say it didn’t go as planned…because nothing ever does. Monica and I used to joke that if we spoke our plans aloud that something would happen to ruin them so we would make non-plan plans. We would say we aren’t gonna go to disney this weekend. That would suck. And things usually turned out great. Obviously our planning out loud messed things up. We did the clomid and decided to just let nature take its course for ovulation. We did the ovulation tests instead of the injection. Well we did 10 tests…none of which ever hit a peak, we got 6 days of high but never a peak. But I said let’s do a day 13 and we will decide if want to do day 14 or 15. Well Monica, bless her heart, she was so nervous. We dethawed the sperm and went to suck it up in the syringe. She went to get the air out and the plunger must have been at the end because it fell out and she just lost it. She just cried and cried and felt so bad that now $740 worth of sperm was on our floor but I sucked up the .2cc that was left and told her it was what it was and I still needed her. I wasn’t upset. It happened. It wasn’t intentional. Shit happens…it was just an expensive one. But there was still something left…even if it was a tiny amount, there were still thousands of sperm in those few precious drops. We got it done, crossed our fingers and left it in God’s hands. The rest of the night I watched the face of the woman I love, twisting with sadness and frustration. I reassured her many times it was okay. We still got some from the one vial and this time we had ordered 2 vials. Maybe God knew we might need the 2nd. We were both at odds on day 14 with no peak result and having to go to work that night whether or not we should go through with it or wait till we got a peak on our ovulation monitor but risk the cryotank losing what little of the cold was left. I prayed and asked for a sign and at the end of my statement I got an answer right then and there. And with me being a skeptic I asked for another and got a bible verse. But I still wasn’t sure so I asked for one more and got a response in an unlikely way but I got one. So I said lets do it. It’s early but lets just hope that I ovulate in the next day or so and that we will be ok. We were able to get about .7 or .8 cc from this 2nd vial and it went smoothly so we are putting our faith in God. We have nothing else to lose. We are trying to stay positive and keep saying “this time is gonna work! we are gonna make a baby!” We are putting all our hope and faith in trusting that God will provide if we just keep holding on. We are now in this awful 2 week wait. It is agonizing and the most stressful thing. But I just keep trying to tell myself to breathe, stay positive, hope and have faith that God will pull through. But I’m so scared that I have been positive in the past and I have fallen on my face…But my beautiful, wonderful wife who was the one who got me pregnant the one time, will hopefully be my lucky charm again. Just have to pray for patience (i just shake my head and know I should bite my tongue for saying such a thing…sorry Mr.Huether, but these 2ww are killing me!), sticky eggs, and a BFP! I just need another chance to make us a big happy family…

Come on babies!!!!!! Just hold on in there! Tie a knot babies and don’t let go! Your mommies want to meet you!! (be sticky my lil eggies!)

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