I really am no good at keeping a journal. I knew from the start I would start writing but slowly disappear. Today is Saturday, I’m sitting at home with my laptop and suddenly thought, oh yea I have an online journal. I just logged in and re-read my previous entries. I really feel like writing today and once again I hope I can keep it up!
So it’s been a long while since I wrote. After reading my previous entries, it’s interesting to know how fast time passes and things can change.
As an update to my online journal, E and I are still going strong. Yes, I still have those sudden “fragile” moments when I don’t know if it’s going to work, or if things are going to be okay…but as of now, things are good.
My entry about Facebook entries. I did end up talking and being honest about how I feel. He didn’t understand what the whole fuss was, and I guess looking back now I don’t know why it was so significant. But it still feels significant!
As for job searching, I’m still the same 🙁 Even worse now because I have a different manager and things are not the same anymore. My previous manager would understand, would care, would see what it is that we under his supervision needs.
I feel better as a person and I can think of two main reasons. One, I try to look at things, all things more light-heartily. It’s okay if people don’t agree with me…It’s okay if people talk non-stop. I can focus on myself internally and treat it like a game. I’m doing that right now actually. As someone talks non-stop, I make it into a game so it won’t bother me. I wonder when he’s going to take a breath? Here…yes I got it right, a point for me! Two, E and I are better at communicating now and I focus on us, and not anyone else. I want him to be happy, and I know he wants me to be happy too…so we are still compromising, still communicating, and still having fun.
My mom recently came back from a few months trip. My grandma is not doing well. She has Alzheimer’s and it continues to deteriorate. Mom’s telling me stories of grandma the past few months. It makes me sad to hear how much grandma has changed. She was always a tough independent woman, and today she’s not. I miss her but I know if I tell her I miss her, she wouldn’t comprehend because she doesn’t recognize who I am. Living with grandpa and grandma for two years made us grow close together. When grandpa passed away, he took a piece of my heart with him. Today, grandma doesn’t remember me, or even grandpa. She has stopped asking where her husband is because she doesn’t even know him.
Interesting how life can really surprise you, make you happy, or make you sad. Is it that we don’t understand how to cherish things until it’s not within arm’s reach anymore.
How things have changed. My grandma (dad’s side) past away in March three years ago. One regret could be not spending more time with her when we had the chance. Another could be wishing that we could go back to the times when we would go out for dinner on the weekend. Two tables, one adults and one kids. I guess we will always have regrets.
I don’t know why I’m thinking this now….when I get married, I won’t have my grandma and two grandpas there. The grandma I have now won’t even know who I am.. 🙁
If today was the last 24 hours of your life, what would you do? What would you say? Who would you want to be with? Where would you want to go?
People say you should always treat everyday like your last day. In my opinion, that would be a little too extreme. But I do know, cherish what you have and who you are with.
I have my parents and sibling that will be there for me no matter what.
I have my E that loves me and I cherish the love we have.
I have a home to stay in, a bed to sleep in, and cookies I’m eating.
I have a job, although making minimum, I can afford lunch and dinner.
I have close friends that care about me.
I cherish what I have.
If you have an interview with a company, go do your best.
If you have a headache, go take medicine and take a nap.
If you’re thirsty, go have that beer.
A girlfriend of mine just asked me for an advice. If you love and cherish your current boyfriend and your relationship, don’t think about the other guy, don’t think about your ex and what it could have been. Live in the moment because that’s life. Don’t think backwards. Just because he regrets giving up on you and asking for a second chance, are you willing to give up what you have now because your ex is within arm’s reach? Advice about love is too difficult to give. I would say trust your instincts. Sometimes when you don’t have what you want, you may think that’s what you want. But when you do get it, is that what you want? Remember, we always want what we can’t have. We should cherish what we do have and don’t lose focus and want more.