It’s not the number on the scale

So many people have told me what an encouragement I have been to them on their personal journey with self image. The last few weeks I have really been struggling with self image-more than I had before, so I thought I would share my story with you.
When I first started this, I was 230lbs wearing size 18. I drank soda all day, and even though I ate somewhat “heathy”, portion control was/is my problem. The amount of food I could/can eat in one sitting was/is disgusting. But than the number I saw on the scale, more than my physical health…..emotionally & mentally I was dieing. I had zero self confidence and did not care to give any time to my appearance. I knew my weight was getting out of control but was able to make excuses for quite some time. Getting married, loosing a brother, having a baby, being a mom, ect. I got through that time by laughing at myself and making fat girl jokes. This was a way to protect myself bc then-I felt people were laughing with me instead of at me. I tried several different diets along the way but none provided me with lasting results. In February 2014, I was working out with a personal trainer, Glen Hunt, and he said “One day it’s just got to click, what is it going to take to make it click in your head?”. After really considering his question, what’s it going to take, I began to see the negative impact my weight had on my life. I decided it was time for a change. It wasn’t until I had lost the first 30lbs I really noticed a difference. People began noticing and it gave me a boost of will power. At about 60lbs I hit my first “low” of my journey. This is when I started to notice people treating me different. Strangers, friends, and even family. While I don’t feel anybody intentionally tried to say hurtful things. It happened. Before I had only assumed my weight had a negative effect on people and my relationships with them. But those assumptions were becoming truth. Most interactions changed for the better, but that didn’t stop the hurt of knowing how much my physical appearance played a part in my relationships. Some of the comments, most made with a good heart, seemed so mean. I was asked numerous times if I thought I would be able keep the weight off. Really? Now think about that. What kind of question is that? Like all I know how to do is be fat? I won’t go through all the comments that were said, but so many made me feel like I wasn’t important before, as if now that I’m thinner life must be perfect.. That being skinny fixes everything. I ask realized I don’t fit in a category anymore, I’m not big enough to be fat or thin enough to be skinny. Which may not sound like a big deal, but everybody wants to be apart of something-even if it the big bottom club. When you find yourself in that “grey” area-in any area of your life- it can be disheartening. Your either too much or not enough. When I hit my weight goal of 150(80lbs loss) it was mixed emotions. I am beyond proud of myself and happy to be at a healthy size. I love that I can shop in normal stores! Did I expect I was going to love my body? I did. Do I? Not even close. I had dreamed of weighing 150lbs and putting on a bikini then rocking that thing like nobody’s business. I dreamed for so long what I thought my body would look like, and how it would be amazing! That I would feel like I was on top of the world. So how do I feel? You really want to know? I feel lost. I feel disappointed and disgusted when I look in the mirror. Before, my weight was who I was. The body shaming, the jokes, personality, the number, it all became my identity. I never sat in front of mirror nick-picking my body. I didn’t feel pressure when picking out clothes, bc I felt it didn’t matter. I was big-it was obvious, and that’s just who I was. Now I find myself standing in front of mirror for long periods of time, pulling skin this way or that way, criticizing every little detail. I’m more harsh on myself than I ever was before. Do I know I shouldn’t be? of course I do. does that matter? No. What have I learned to be the “truth”? Doesn’t matter how big or small you are, body shaming is there. I have yet to meet a single person who thinks their body is perfect. Nothing is perfect which means there is always room for improvement, regardless of the number you see on the scale. I haven’t found the key to loving my body yet, but I feel like I’m on that journey. Of course I hope to get to the point where I can love and accept my body, but I really don’t know if I ever will get there. Until then I will try to not be as hard on myself, I will try to find the little things I do like, and I will continue to train my mind and body to be better and stronger than before.

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